For all of you followers of the TOMKAT conspiracy out there, things are becoming quite interesting with the happy couple's admission of the prgenancy of Katie Holmes. Now, nevermind that Tom is known for shooting blanks, or that katie has vowed to stay a virgin till marriage until her and Tom dissappeared for 14 days before coming out with their relationship, or that she , the long time church going christian, has suddenly converted to scientology? Nevermind all that for a minute, and let's focus on one aspect of scientology creeded to its members: The Silent Birth. Maybe it's just because (according to this handy online glossary of Dianetics jargon) I'm still one of the preclear, but upon reading about John Travolta and Kelly Preston's recommendations that their fellow Scientologists Cruise and Holmes try for an L. Ron Hubbard-recommended "silent birth," I couldn't help but become increasingly enturbulated. After all, the silent-birth doctrine holds that children should be delivered in an atmosphere of total quiet, without any groans, screams, or sounds of pain from the mother, or even the audible exchange of information among hospital personnel. In his book Preventive Dianetics, Hubbard elaborates on the goal of this practice: Apparently pretending to all concerned that pushing a human being out your coochie is not only painless, but downright relaxing, will "save both the sanity of the mother and the child and safeguard the home to which they will go." Furthermore, L. Ron goes on to admonish, "the maintaining of silence does not mean a volley of 'sh's,' for those make stammerers." After a delivery that's "as calm and no-talk as possible," the baby should "be wrapped somewhat tightly in a warm blanket, very soft, and then left alone for a day or so." This strategy of non-care may be convenient for parents with promotional junkets and postpartum photo-ops to attend, but it sounds like a real can't-have for the poor kid stuck in the between-lives area. A birth in total silence, and no sounds, and then leaving the child alone, without care, for a day right after. Yeah. Tom Cruise is not crazy at all. People, we need to save Katie. The girl needs our help.