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Rantings of a Sandmonkey

Be forewarned: The writer of this blog is an extremely cynical, snarky, pro-US, secular, libertarian, disgruntled sandmonkey. If this is your cup of tea, please enjoy your stay here. If not, please sod off

Friday, September 23, 2005


No one forwarded this to me, I just wanted to do it! I have that kind of sick desperation in my life. 10 years ago- I had just reconciled myself to the fact that I was entering a new school where none of my childhood friends will be attending. I had just left my old school by mutual agreement with the administration. Something about how it wasn’t cool to spit in a foreign teacher’s face who likend Egyptians to pigs. That teacher was promoted that same year to become next year’s Asst. Headmaster, so things were not in my favor in my “hearing”. It’s all good though: I ended up hooking up with his daughter and I used a special mixture of break fluid and sand to give his car a second coating. That special mixture is impossible to remove without completely destroying the car’s paint, so the guy ended up paying an arm and a leg to remove it and repaint the car. Good. Fucker had it coming! 5 years ago- I had just left the country for the USA where I was going to go to college. I was looking forward to the States for 3 reasons : 1) I had just gotten out of the mother of all break-ups, which had gotten exponentially worse due to the fact that my father started dating her mother after we broke up; 2) I heard really good things about that “Matrix” movie and I was hoping I would be able to catch it in the movie theaters; 3) I really really wanted to put 12 hour of flyingtime between me and my parents. Imagine my surprise when I discovered an awesome bonus to going to college in the states: The unbelievable amount of morally loose girls who think that the fact that you are from Egypt to be “so cool” and who are willing to sleep with you just so they can say that they “had an Egyptian lover”. God I miss freshman year! 1 year ago- Living in denial over the fact that I had to leave my life as I’ve known it for the past few years behind and go back “home” where it wasn’t really home anymore. My solace was 1) the ridiculous amount of fun that my friends were having with me because my days were numbered; 2) the insane amount of sex that I was having with my girl at a time because every minute is important; and 3) the belief that I would be back by November because renewing my visa wouldn’t take more then 2 weeks anyway. I was unaware of the new 9/11 regulation that forced me to stay stuck in Egypt till the following year’s February when the Visa Gods in the state department, after a lot of investigations, finally decided that I wasn’t a “potential terrorist threat”. But I didn’t know that back then; mny father did and chose not to tell me. Me and the girl were toying with the idea of a Vegas wedding so I can stay and not have to go. He gave me the fatherly advice of “It would be better to do the Vegas wedding after you come back with another 5 year Visa, which wouldn’t take more then 2 weeks to obtain anyway”, while he knew it would take at least 3 months. He later on excused it by saying that he did it because “He just wanted his son by his side”. Grrrrrrrrrrrr……. Yesterday- All my troubles seemed so far away. Ok , sorry. Nothing much really. After work went to Tabasco, where I bumped into Noora Younes by coincidence. A while later a friend passed by and hung out with me, and then I went home where I invited a couple of people over and watched Garden State, which is an awesome movie that you should see if you haven’t. (Thanks for recommending it S.) 5 snacks I enjoy- Choclate coverd Oreos, Chicken Quesadillas, Boneless Buffalo wings, Mozerrela sticks and Snickers. I love Snickers. Snickers are awesome. 5 songs I know all the words to- Yesterday by the Beatles (Duh), American Pie by Don Mclean (Madonna’s version sucks and she should be shot for doing it), Gangsta’s paradise by Coolie (Oh, come on, everyone my age knows that one), The Way I am by Eminem and Through with you by Maroon Five (Best Break-Up song..ever). 5 things I would do with $100 million dollars- Invest 50 million in the stock market and the rest leave in the bank; Buy an Island in the Bahamas and biuild my won resort there; get a place in each one of those places: New York City, London, Amesterdam, Austin, and Palma De Mayorka; Marry Alexis Bledell or Natalie Portman- sure, they would divorce me and get half my money, but the sex would be worth it; Buy a huge ranch in Missouri where I can realize my childhood fantasy of being a Cowboy and do nothing but ride horses all day. 5 places I would run away to- New York City, Amesterdam, Cannes, El Ghounah, Dubai. 5 things I would never wear- my heart on my sleeve, striped ties, suspenders, Leather pants, the color Orange. 5 favorite tv shows- (Fine, but don’t laugh) Southpark, Clone High ("I'm a Kennedy; I'm not accustomed to tragedy"), Buffy, Angel ( I am a whedonhead), and the Sopranos. 5 biggest joys- Spending the day on the beach with friends, horse back riding by the pyramids, Having a drinks with a bunch of friends that just want to have fun and don’t mind getting shitfaced, Traveling by planes, and taking sudden and hastily planned roadtrips. 5 favorite toys- My Ipod, My Xbox, My talking Scooby Doo doll (bite me), My W. Bush Booble head, my back massager. 5 people I tag- Pamela, Sally, Z. , Nadz, and Highlander.


At 9/23/2005 11:21:00 AM, Anonymous Kate said...

Has the Vegas wedding plan completely vanished? Or is it still an option?

At 9/23/2005 11:51:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

(yawn) I would like to see you revise these lists in a few years time.
p.s: FYI, the best break up song Ever is Rainbow's 1983 classic "Can't let you go".

At 9/23/2005 12:49:00 PM, Blogger The Sandmonkey said...



Would you even want to anymore? I thought you moved on to greener pastures. What's the dilly yo?

Between you and me, I would still do it just to see the expression on the faces of the virgin fugly twins when we walk in all "Husbend and wife" after a Vegas wedding. Especially after what went down last time. Yeesh! It would be priceless, no?

At 9/23/2005 02:17:00 PM, Anonymous Jeff said...

They're doing screenings of Serenity on Tuesday, and bloggers can get on the press list. I'm there.

At 9/23/2005 02:36:00 PM, Blogger The Sandmonkey said...

Jeff, I am soooooooo jealous! Early screenings of it are all screaming whedon-esque goodness and I so wanna see it.

Life is so not fair.

ps: did you ever watch the original show?

At 9/23/2005 05:02:00 PM, Anonymous highlander said...

Thanks SM I promise to do this meme around mid October 2005 . If I can manage I will do it before that ya 3azizi. On the other hand I enjoyed your responses very very much !

At 9/24/2005 10:09:00 AM, Anonymous Jeff said...

I'm almost through with Firefly on DVD.

Judging by your TV tastes, you gotta eventually check out Veronica Mars. First season's out on DVD in a few weeks. Whedon isn't involved, but he - and Kevin Smith - are huge fans.

At 9/24/2005 03:02:00 PM, Blogger programmer craig said...

Firefly is a great show! Cowboys in space - how could it be bad!? I hope the movie does well, and they revive the series.

At 9/26/2005 01:17:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a very big fan of your blog and i read it every day (even several times a day). However i would like to say you really have a bad boy attitude.


At 10/30/2005 05:35:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


I have been reading your Blog lately, to my great delight, because it is funny, and I think it should win some awards, whatever they calll them; the blogs, etc. Anyway, i will take a peek at this blog relgularly; who would'nt? it is worth its weight in gold and its time in effort.


At 2/23/2006 04:21:00 PM, Blogger Kickers said...

wrong WB shows

At 4/17/2006 11:26:00 AM, Blogger Sam The Blogger said...

Amsterdam, eh Sam?

I think the reason why you want to escape to that amoral paradise should be included in your top 100, don't you?


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