So, when are you getting married?
*This happened a couple of months ago* (I am sitting in the living room, reading Glamorama, when I notice my mom coming in the room. I chose to act as if I didn’t notice her coming in and continue reading, until she starts talking to me) Mom: Sam. SAM. Me (not removing my eyes from the book): Huh? What? Mom: Put that book down. There is something that I want to talk to you about. Me: Can this wait? I am in the middle of something here. (I notice she is not moving or walking away, and I can feel here eyes concentrating at me. She isn’t going anywhere, so I might as well get it over with) Ok. Here is the book. What is it? Mom: Well, I wanted to ask you something personal. (Uh-oh) Me: Ehh, shoot! Mom: So, when are you getting married? Me: What? Mom: I asked you when do you plan on getting married. Me: Ehh, not anytime soon? Mom: Why is that? (What is this? 20 questions?) Me: Well, see, I am not really in love with anybody currently, hell, I am not even in a relationship. So, due to those reasons, I am not likely to get married anytime soon. Just like I told you. Mom: So you are not getting married cause you are not currently in love with someone? Me: That’s what I said! Yes. Mom: Well, that’s not a problem. You don’t really need to be in love with someone to marry them. (What?) Me: You are talking about an arranged marriage. You want me to get married through an arranged marriage? Mom: Why not? A lot of people do it, and the majority of successful marriages are arranged marriages. And you are a catch. From a big family, and you have a well paying job. A thousand girls would wish that someone like you would propose to them. Me: So you want me to buy a wife? As if I am buying a cow from the cattle market? Mom: Buying? Cow? Why do you use such terms? It’s something in our culture. It’s tradition. And it’s a very adult and mature way to get married. You will be married to someone that fits you and your social class and family. She will probably be a better match than any of the girls you waste time with. Me: Ok, fine, you wanna talk about this? let’s talk about this. Mom: You are going to seriously talk about this and not just mess with me like you do? (You wish) Me: Yes, we are going to talk about this seriously, like 2 adults. Ok? Mom (All excited that I didn’t chew her head off): Ok. Me: Alright. Since my work is in Finance and this will be the marriage equivalent of a business transaction, I say that the most logical thing to do is to calculate how much this whole thing will cost. It’s a good place to begin. Agreed? Mom: Agreed! Me: Ok, let’s calculate this and use the bare minimum prices: First thing will be the dowry, which will be at least 50,000 pounds and the wedding jewelry , which should be also at least another 50,000 pounds. That’s 100,000 pounds so far, ok? Mom: Ok! Me: Then you have the wedding, which we are going to have to have in a 5 start hotel Ballroom like everyone else. None of this “Air-force club” ballroom crap that some people do. We need to be classy and mature about this. So, I am guessing the whole thing, with the artists and everything should cost us approximately another 100,000. Or am I exaggerating? Mom (her excited voice starting to lose just a little bit of excitement): Nope, that sounds about right! Me: Ok, good. So that’s 200,000 so far altogether. Then we have to buy an apartment for the newly weds. Right? Now, we are going to be reasonable and not ask for something in the city. Something in the new Cairo suburbs should be ok. Now, a 2 bedroom apartment in El Rehab or Sheikh Zayed would be at least 250,000. So that would make it all a total of 450,000 so far. Ok? Mom: Now, hold on…. Me: Ohh, and let’s not forget the honeymoon. Such a classy girl would probably want a honeymoon in Italy or Puckett. That should be around another 50,000 pounds. Which brings our total to 500,000 pounds, or half a million. Mom: Ehh.. (Ok, I butterd her up enough; now is time for the K.O.) Me: Now, find me a girl in Egypt worth half a million Egyptian pounds and I will marry her today. Mom (flustered): You can’t calculate it like this! That’s not how it’s calculated. Me: Actually, in this particular case, that’s the only way it could be calculated. It’s not calculated this way if you are in love. If you are in love, you are likely to sign on the dotted line and do whatever it takes to marry that person you love. You would view all that dowry and jewelry crap to be nothing but obstacles in your way, not a down payment on an investment the way someone in my situation would. And since I am buying a cow, I mean a girl, this is exactly how I have to view it. Mom: (Silent, but there is this rage in her eyes that shows that she is suspecting that i am messing with her) Me: Plus, If you are serious about this, I have a condition. Mom: A condition? Me: Yeah, in regards to that girl I am going to marry: I want her to know exactly how much money I am paying for her! Mom: What? Me: You heard me. I want her to know how much I paid for her. Mom: Why? Me: Well, because If I am paying this much money for her, she better do everything I ask of her to do. She better obey my every order, cater to my every whim, no matter how ridiculous they are. For example: If I ask her to clean the house wearing a French maid outfit-with no panties- and roller blades while humming “The wheels of the Bus go round and round”, I expect her to start doing exactly that immediately. Mom: The wheels of the Bus go round and round? Me: Yes. She better sing that while being dressed this way or else I am going to return her to her parents and demand a refund! Mom: A refund? Me: Yeah! For my money. I paid for something and I didn’t get what I asked for, so naturally I am going to ask for my money back. It would be the same if I bought a Cow under the premise that she will give me lots of milk, and come to find out that she her milk ducts are dry or something. I would want my money back. Mom: Stop using the cow analogy. Women are not Cows. We are not cattle. Me: Then why are you asking me to partake in a tradition that promotes the view of women as something that can be bought for money? Mom (getting up): I was right. You are messing with me. Me: Answer that question please. Mom: There is no talking to you. I don’t know why I bother. Me: Well, It was a taxing conversation, but one I am glad we had. ( Grabbing my book back up and looking at it and not her) Now if you excuse me, since it’s over, I will go back to reading my book. ( She looks at me, smacks the book out of my hands and then walks away) Mom (mumbling): Why didn’t I just have a girl? Me: Hey, I heard that! Mom (from far now): Shut up!