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Rantings of a Sandmonkey

Be forewarned: The writer of this blog is an extremely cynical, snarky, pro-US, secular, libertarian, disgruntled sandmonkey. If this is your cup of tea, please enjoy your stay here. If not, please sod off

Thursday, September 22, 2005

On Saints

I think I maybe the only one who thinks that humanity's criterion for selecting saints is very flawed and stupid. Most Saints are people who brought suffering upon themselves and we are somehow expected to respect them for enduring it. I don't know about you, but that sounds sort of masochistic to me and just a little bit on the silly side. Mother Theresa, for example, used to swallow the drool of people who had leprosy when they kissed her, and that was considered admirable for some weird reason. I never understood that personally: Did she like cure leprosy by doing that? Why exactly is she swallowing that spit? What's the point exactly? And why is swallowing anyone's drool considered saintly? If the world was ruled by me, there would be a completely different way to chose Saints: They would be the individuals who would've contributed, in some way, in making people enjoy life and become happier in general. In case i am not clear or you find the criteria too confusing, here is a list of people that I think would qualify for the Sandmonkey Sainthood immediately: 1) The Mexican dude who was willing to try to get liquor out of a cactus and created Tequila. 2) The chemist who invented the birth control pill. 3) Also the dude who invented Prozac. 4) Oh, and Viagra! 5) Whomever started the first Conga line. 6) The designers of the Push-up bra, thongs and G-strings. 7) Whomever organized the first Booze-cruise. 8) The first people who thought that celebrating New Year's eve was a good idea. 9) The guy who invented the Ipod. (You are awesome) 10) Alexander Graham Bell. What would we do without phones? 11) Also the genius who invented the answering machine. Leave a message at the beep Biatch! 12) Breathmints. Whomever invented thee is awesome. 13) The people who started the first ever October Fest. 14) Whomever invented Fireworks. 15) The Person who made the first Keg and then tapped it! 16) The inventor of Ice-Cream. 17) Oooh, and choclate. 18) The creator of the card deck. 19) The dude who invented Ice cubes. 20)The first couple who used their tongues while kissing and invented french-kissing. Ladies and gentlemen, those are, in my opinion, the true saints of this world, and they should be celebrated way more than they are now. They are all agents of fun and happiness, and we at the Sandmonkey blog would like to praise them for it. So, to all of those people listed above: You are awesome! You made our shitty world a more tolerable place to be and we owe you big for that. You are the true saints of this world as far as I am concerned and I salute you.

6 Comments:

At 9/22/2005 06:50:00 AM, Blogger Memz said...

you got my vte for president of earth!

 
At 9/22/2005 07:45:00 AM, Blogger The Sandmonkey said...

Awesome, 6 billion to go! :)

 
At 9/22/2005 08:17:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Antonio Meucci invented the telephone, give italians some respect!

 
At 9/22/2005 08:53:00 AM, Blogger Memz said...

well you can get "the votes" of 72 millin more by hjacking the NDP ;)

 
At 9/23/2005 08:39:00 AM, Anonymous Kate said...

The inventor of the push-up bra is definitely not a saint - I'm anti!

 
At 9/23/2005 02:25:00 PM, Blogger Papa Ray said...

Well Mother Terresa had another trait. She could get money out of rich people and make sure it went to the needy. She was sneeky that way.

As for the rest.

1) The Mexican dude who was willing to try to get liquor out of a cactus and created Tequila.

Actually an ol' indian showed him that trick.

2) The chemist who invented the birth control pill.

His wife asked him to do it.

3) Also the dude who invented Prozac.

He was flogged when they found out about the side effects.

4) Oh, and Viagra!

It was actually invented to control blood pressure but the test group gave it away when they didn't want to give up the pills they had left over.

5) Whomever started the first Conga line.

That would be the ants.

6) The designers of the Push-up bra, thongs and G-strings.

They used to put those people in jail and fine them.

7) Whomever organized the first Booze-cruise.

It wasn't organized, it just happened that way.

8) The first people who thought that celebrating New Year's eve was a good idea.

That would be a long time ago, but the one that made it work and famous was Dick Clark...still looks the same as when he started hosting.

9) The guy who invented the Ipod. (You are awesome)

Actually that was an accident too. A group of geeks put some spare parts together and ..well the rest is history.

10) Alexander Graham Bell. What would we do without phones?

Actually a european was first, Bell just ignored him. Bell was an asshole.

11) Also the genius who invented the answering machine. Leave a message at the beep Biatch!

Worse thing ever invented. no personal responibility.

12) Breathmints. Whomever invented thee is awesome.

I think you need to brush your teeth more and use mouth wash.

13) The people who started the first ever October Fest.

That would be the ol' german hunters that liked the young girls to wear them low cut tops, and bend down and serve them their beer.

14) Whomever invented Fireworks.

Well, that would be the chinese. Look for their moon base soon.

15) The Person who made the first Keg and then tapped it!

That would be the Germans again, altho, back then they weren't called that.

16) The inventor of Ice-Cream.

That would be the Chinese again, Marco Polo brought it back to Italy.

17) Oooh, and choclate.

Well, it was discovered to make a good drink by South American Indians, but it took the french to make it into a solid.

18) The creator of the card deck.

Unfortunatly, most people have concluded that the original inventor of playing cards is lost to history. However, the opinions seem amicably divided between ancient China and 12th or 13th-century Egypt.

19) The dude who invented Ice cubes.

An American physician, John Gorrie, built a refrigerator in 1844 to make ice to cool the air for his yellow fever patients. Dr. Gorrie may have also invented the first ice cube tray in its current form. But,I'm sure someone long before that chipped pieces of ice for his drink.

20)The first couple who used their tongues while kissing and invented french-kissing.

Most likly someone in the dark ages trying to get a piece of meat out someone's mouth.
But, I found this tidbit.

"Medieval literature abounds in equivocal kisses, with lovers and lechers exploiting the social and religious conventions of the day to advance their own particular sexual agendas. The fine line separating social from sexual kissing caused much social anxiety and provided rich possibilities for drama, both comic and tragic. An English traveller in the 1770s to Scotland, where French-style social kissing was practised, remarked that “it very seldom happens that the salute is a voluntary one, and it frequently is the cause of disgust and embarrassment to the fair sex”.

Just remember the mouth has more germs than are on the rest of your body.

You can tell, I didn't have anything to do this afternoon.

Geez

Papa Ray
West Texas
USA

 

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