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Rantings of a Sandmonkey

Be forewarned: The writer of this blog is an extremely cynical, snarky, pro-US, secular, libertarian, disgruntled sandmonkey. If this is your cup of tea, please enjoy your stay here. If not, please sod off

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Alcohol is your friend

It came to my attention while reading the Sout El Omma newspaper this morning that someone named Fares Moahmed Ahmed has filed a lawsuit against the Egyptian government in order to ban the manufacturing, selling, serving, importing or exporting of Alcohol in Egypt. His legal reasoning? It’s against the Islamic Sharia, and since the Sharia is the primary source of the Egyptian constitution, then the selling or manufacturing of alcohol in Egypt is unconstitutional. He also mentions that since Alcohol is “Haram”, then any money that we gain from selling it won’t be blessed by God, and hence useless to the Egyptian people and would be sinful to give to them. Needless to say, I disagreed with him entirely. Mind you, I didn’t disagree with him based on merit of argument, but rather on principle. In my humble opinion, what we need in Egypt is to encourage the sale and consumption of Alcohol and not ban it. I honestly believe- and I am saying this in the middle of Ramadan- that if the majority of Egyptian population became alcohol drinkers, it will benefit our country and society greatly. You don’t agree? Let me convince you. In my opinion, the consumption of alcohol in Egypt is beneficial to the Egyptian population, because it serves 3 distinct purposes. Here are those purposes and their beneficial effects: 1) Happiness purposes: The drinking of alcohol is known to loosen the inhibitions of people, making them tipsy and happy, and happiness is something that the Egyptian people desperately need in their lives. They are all mostly depressed, dejected and have basically given up any semblance of hope in this country, which in turn makes interacting with them rather unpleasant. Alcohol consumption will change that, make them jubilant and jovial once again. It will give them a fun activity to embark on every now and then, something to look forward to, and an escape from their reality, which is something they very well need. It will make them love Life again, and not look forward to death so much, cause they might go to hell for drinking alcohol. Talk about motivation to live Life to the fullest. 2) Honesty Purposes: As I said before, alcohol consumption makes you less inhibited, which also makes you a more honest individual. People in Egypt could use some honesty in their daily interactions with each other. Imagine having alcohol present during those Ramadan Iftars where you have to sit down with the extremely unpleasant pretentious people that are your extended family: Wouldn’t it make the event more interesting and fun? You father getting drunk and telling your grandmother that she needs to stop butting in his life? Your cousin screaming at her father for being an absent emotionless bastard who ruined all men for her? Your grandfather mumbling about how much none of you respect him or his opinions anymore before passing out on the carpet? You telling your fat obnoxious second cousins to stop stuffing their faces with your food and kick them the hell out of your house? See how much fun we are missing? Nevermind the family, can you imagine the shit we would tell the useless intruding unsupportive annoying judgmental unreliable bastards that we call our friends? We would have Honesty people. All sins will be exposed and dealt with. And it would counter the effects of the anti-Honesty drug called Hash, because unlike Alcohol, which allows you to formulate sentences and reasoning (no matter how flawd), Hash makes you wonder “what was I just thinking” every 4 seconds and never address any issue in order not to ruin your high. With alcohol that doesn’t happen; it makes you wanna just spill your guts to everyone in a 20 meter radius around you, and then spill what’s in your guts, hopefully on their shoes or expensive Persian carpets. And never mind the lost friends or cleaning bills; actually take pride in them. After all, that’s the price of honesty. 3) Liquid courage purposes: And we finally come to the biggest reason why the Egyptian people need more alcohol in their lives: it gives people the ability to do and say shit that would get them in trouble with clear abandon. The Egyptian people have long allowed themselves to be oppressed out of their own fear and inaction, something being drunk will help eliminate; after all, they don’t call it liquid courage for no reason. Historically it has been used for similar purposes, whether in bar fights, in world war two by Kamikaze pilots who knew they were going on suicide missions, or in the always festive British soccer riots, which always seemed like lots of fun to me (Imagine an Ahly and Zamalek game if both audiences were drunk. Ohh Goodie!). Now imagine that same principle employed for political purposes in Egypt: the masses, drunk as shit, running around in the streets in anti-Mubarak demonstrations and beating up the anti-Riot police. Their anger, accompanied with their newfound courage, would ensure their participation in political demonstrations more actively, and hell, give the police a good reason not to get out of their beds every day. The people would find their voice, which they could use for drunken chanting and public cursing. After all, isn’t that what democracy is all about? So in conclusion, and citing all of the previous benefits I mentioned, I propose that not only should Alcohol stay legal, it should be supplied to every home. A little Vodka Faucet right next to the water one would be a superb way to do it. It would make people happier, more honest and active participants in our budding democracy. Sure, they may all end up in muslim hell, but they would probably be too drunk to care or remember. Oh, and always remember: you are a drunk, and not an alcoholic, as long as you don’t go to meetings.

14 Comments:

At 10/16/2005 05:23:00 AM, Blogger Shamoussa said...

Sam, you're hilarious!
Yayy for Happiness, Honesty and Courage! Nobody can say otherwise ;)
I just love that vodka faucet thing..

 
At 10/16/2005 07:34:00 AM, Blogger MG said...

lol the Vodka faucet is a great idea... Sam, you got me itching for a drink and I'm fasting ya ragel.

 
At 10/16/2005 07:58:00 AM, Blogger newc said...

Another classic Sam.

I agree with you as usual.

 
At 10/16/2005 11:08:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I only meet Egyptians who are drinking alcohol, of course not in Ramadan, or on other drugs or they are caught up in strange religion. Ergo, alcohol does not help to get more HHC into Egyptian society. Any other treatment, suggestion?

 
At 10/16/2005 05:57:00 PM, Anonymous Kathy K said...

Good one. It's too bad the VodkaPundit name was already taken... you make a good case.

 
At 10/16/2005 08:05:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's funny about the holidays! It sounds like holidays at my ex's family. Fights in the yard were common and one year someone was stabbed with a fork. Too much honesty I guess.;)

 
At 10/16/2005 08:24:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sam,

I hate to be the downer of such a novel idea, but if you were to actually look into the uninhibited consumption of alcohol, you would find that it really will create havoc on your society and on productivity and on the family unit. Having been raised by two parental units who were alcoholic and having suffered through their numerous fights as a child due to one having affairs due to the inhibition of alcohol and having come close to taking my own life in that family and having to have become an alcoholic myself and finally having God remove that addiction, I can say from a good vantage point that unless you are just monkeying around (wouldn't put it past you), that is not the way to go for Egypt. I can't say that a totally sober society is the best way either, but if there is to be alcohol, you must proceeed in moderation. And then get ready to start up some AA groups and Betty Ford clinics and put up with a lot more murders and suicides and divorces and the like...for some will carry on till self distruction sets in. Sorry to pop your bubble.Randy G.

 
At 10/16/2005 08:35:00 PM, Blogger Adam Gurri said...

Gee, Randy, I'll bet he was being completely serious here and no tongue-in-cheek was occurring at all.

Loosen up. Seriously.

 
At 10/17/2005 04:26:00 AM, Blogger NBS said...

haha, gotta love alcohol, drugs and sex, they all make the world go round. i think everyone should do, have, try, addict and then learn from all of the above, they really bring ouot the best and worst in people in such a short time its great.

dont wana burst ya bubble though sam but alcohol is a depressant, which is the same class as what pot is......... its not an upper, its a downer :) i am sure you are smart enough to know what i am on about.

had a bottle of scotch, and 4 bottle of wine last night, we were fucked, sure made the 2am drive to hungry jacks interesting, the 3 lane road there was quite useful :)

 
At 10/17/2005 05:31:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Only Sandmonkey. Only sandmonkey...

 
At 10/18/2005 03:32:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmm, you just reminded me that I cannot go out and have a drink with friends in Ramadan. Thanks a lot man. Don't you just love how the government paves the peoples's way to heaven?

Unpaid ad:

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At 10/21/2005 09:04:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sure you could sell this idea to the Russians.

Joanne

 
At 10/25/2005 08:11:00 PM, Blogger Leap Frog said...

This one's a classic. Very funny.

 
At 10/26/2005 03:25:00 PM, Blogger pim said...

well , may be wodka is not the best idea. The great Stella beer would be a good alternative. Actually , the most relaxed place in Cairo I know is the El Horryia Cafe, where I've met the most relaxed Egyptians. Drinking beer nd playing chess. I'm sure to go back every day when I'll be back in Cairo next year..!!

 

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