Alcohol is your friend

It came to my attention while reading the Sout El Omma newspaper this morning that someone named Fares Moahmed Ahmed has filed a lawsuit against the Egyptian government in order to ban the manufacturing, selling, serving, importing or exporting of Alcohol in Egypt. His legal reasoning? It’s against the Islamic Sharia, and since the Sharia is the primary source of the Egyptian constitution, then the selling or manufacturing of alcohol in Egypt is unconstitutional. He also mentions that since Alcohol is “Haram”, then any money that we gain from selling it won’t be blessed by God, and hence useless to the Egyptian people and would be sinful to give to them. Needless to say, I disagreed with him entirely. Mind you, I didn’t disagree with him based on merit of argument, but rather on principle. In my humble opinion, what we need in Egypt is to encourage the sale and consumption of Alcohol and not ban it. I honestly believe- and I am saying this in the middle of Ramadan- that if the majority of Egyptian population became alcohol drinkers, it will benefit our country and society greatly. You don’t agree? Let me convince you. In my opinion, the consumption of alcohol in Egypt is beneficial to the Egyptian population, because it serves 3 distinct purposes. Here are those purposes and their beneficial effects: 1) Happiness purposes: The drinking of alcohol is known to loosen the inhibitions of people, making them tipsy and happy, and happiness is something that the Egyptian people desperately need in their lives. They are all mostly depressed, dejected and have basically given up any semblance of hope in this country, which in turn makes interacting with them rather unpleasant. Alcohol consumption will change that, make them jubilant and jovial once again. It will give them a fun activity to embark on every now and then, something to look forward to, and an escape from their reality, which is something they very well need. It will make them love Life again, and not look forward to death so much, cause they might go to hell for drinking alcohol. Talk about motivation to live Life to the fullest. 2) Honesty Purposes: As I said before, alcohol consumption makes you less inhibited, which also makes you a more honest individual. People in Egypt could use some honesty in their daily interactions with each other. Imagine having alcohol present during those Ramadan Iftars where you have to sit down with the extremely unpleasant pretentious people that are your extended family: Wouldn’t it make the event more interesting and fun? You father getting drunk and telling your grandmother that she needs to stop butting in his life? Your cousin screaming at her father for being an absent emotionless bastard who ruined all men for her? Your grandfather mumbling about how much none of you respect him or his opinions anymore before passing out on the carpet? You telling your fat obnoxious second cousins to stop stuffing their faces with your food and kick them the hell out of your house? See how much fun we are missing? Nevermind the family, can you imagine the shit we would tell the useless intruding unsupportive annoying judgmental unreliable bastards that we call our friends? We would have Honesty people. All sins will be exposed and dealt with. And it would counter the effects of the anti-Honesty drug called Hash, because unlike Alcohol, which allows you to formulate sentences and reasoning (no matter how flawd), Hash makes you wonder “what was I just thinking” every 4 seconds and never address any issue in order not to ruin your high. With alcohol that doesn’t happen; it makes you wanna just spill your guts to everyone in a 20 meter radius around you, and then spill what’s in your guts, hopefully on their shoes or expensive Persian carpets. And never mind the lost friends or cleaning bills; actually take pride in them. After all, that’s the price of honesty. 3) Liquid courage purposes: And we finally come to the biggest reason why the Egyptian people need more alcohol in their lives: it gives people the ability to do and say shit that would get them in trouble with clear abandon. The Egyptian people have long allowed themselves to be oppressed out of their own fear and inaction, something being drunk will help eliminate; after all, they don’t call it liquid courage for no reason. Historically it has been used for similar purposes, whether in bar fights, in world war two by Kamikaze pilots who knew they were going on suicide missions, or in the always festive British soccer riots, which always seemed like lots of fun to me (Imagine an Ahly and Zamalek game if both audiences were drunk. Ohh Goodie!). Now imagine that same principle employed for political purposes in Egypt: the masses, drunk as shit, running around in the streets in anti-Mubarak demonstrations and beating up the anti-Riot police. Their anger, accompanied with their newfound courage, would ensure their participation in political demonstrations more actively, and hell, give the police a good reason not to get out of their beds every day. The people would find their voice, which they could use for drunken chanting and public cursing. After all, isn’t that what democracy is all about? So in conclusion, and citing all of the previous benefits I mentioned, I propose that not only should Alcohol stay legal, it should be supplied to every home. A little Vodka Faucet right next to the water one would be a superb way to do it. It would make people happier, more honest and active participants in our budding democracy. Sure, they may all end up in muslim hell, but they would probably be too drunk to care or remember. Oh, and always remember: you are a drunk, and not an alcoholic, as long as you don’t go to meetings.