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Rantings of a Sandmonkey

Be forewarned: The writer of this blog is an extremely cynical, snarky, pro-US, secular, libertarian, disgruntled sandmonkey. If this is your cup of tea, please enjoy your stay here. If not, please sod off

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

"I want to meet god now, and i mean NOW!"

Is it bad that i find this to be funny? Iraq's most feared terror group said Tuesday that it has formed a unit of potential suicide attackers who are exclusively Iraqis, an apparent bid to deflect criticism that most suicide bombers in Iraq are foreigners. [...] "In response to God's decree, and the heavy insistence of the (Iraqi) brothers and their longing for paradise, the Ansar platoon from the land of Iraq has been formed," the posting said. Can you just imagine their insistence? "Zarqawi, now listen up. I can't take this life for one more day. I have no money, i live with my mom, i can't get laid and Allah said that there are 72 horny virgins with my name written on their asses waiting for me to deflower them. And as you know, and as i have heard, there is nothing better then sex with a virgin, so sleeping with 72 should be 72 times the pleasure! That's a lot of pleasure dude. So will you please from this group and give me some explosives so i can get me some heavenly punanni? Stop cockblocking me man, i need to get some badly!" I am sure it didn't go exactly like that, but close enough, right? Oh wait, they even have an example of their own. "Dozens hurried to register their names to meet their God," the posting said. It told of one Iraqi youth who had rebuked his leader for failing to give him a suicide assignment, telling him he would complain to God on the Day of Judgment because "you prevented me from meeting my God." But dude, what if God doesn't wanna meet you? I mean, God is the creator of the Universe and all, so he is kinda busy. Why would you think he would want to meet your sorry ass? Because you blew yourself up? Dude, get in line! Yeah, that long one over there. I know, i know, it says Hell at the door, but that's where God wants you to go for now. Think of it as a waiting room. He should see you in a millennia or two. Don't hold your breath though. Or do, you are dead anyway! The audacity of it all astound me. Like they got God on call. Like they are a shoe in to heaven because they kill some innocent people. Like that's what the Koran preaches. Do they even freakin read? Arghhhhh Ohh, but don't fret about this. I know who to blame for this. That's right, the USA. After all, Al Zarqawi is a US agent. What? you didn't know? But it was reported in an Egyptian state-owned newspaper and you know that those never ever lie! Cause you see, they are not owned by the evil Joooooozzzzz! Hmm..........

11 Comments:

At 6/22/2005 12:59:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

But dude, what if God doesn't wanna meet you? I mean, God is the creator of the Universe and all, so he is kinda busy. Why would you think he would want to meet your sorry ass? Because you blew yourself up? Dude, get in line! Yeah, that long one over there. I know, i know, it says Hell at the door, but that's where God wants you to go for now. Think of it as a waiting room. He should see you in a millennia or two. Don't hold your breath though. Or do, you are dead anyway!

Death is so inevitable anyway, why speed it up? I think your right though, most of the dead-enders just need a job and girlfriend.

Thanks for finding the humor in such a sad subject.

 
At 6/22/2005 04:25:00 AM, Blogger Kat said...

LOL...Zarqawi the cockblocker. What a novel idea. Honestly though, I thought those guys just buggered each other?

i mean, the way I hear it, if there are 72 virgins waiting for these guys, the virgins need to shave their beards and clean their assholes cause that's about the only "virgin hole" these terrorists would know what to do with.

 
At 6/22/2005 05:03:00 AM, Blogger The Sandmonkey said...

i dunno about that Kat, but it sure as hell would explain their hostility towards women. You don't want the competition to be around, ya know?
;)

 
At 6/22/2005 05:08:00 AM, Anonymous JOEFROMMASS said...

A slight mis-interpretation of the koran has occured. It is actually 72 VIRGINIANS that are await suicide bombers. You might want to pass that along.

 
At 6/22/2005 06:47:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why don't you dose them a tab and send them on their merry way?

 
At 6/22/2005 08:37:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What they don't tell the kids is that the 72 virgins are Jewish New York, spinsters.

SK

 
At 6/22/2005 11:15:00 AM, Anonymous Gary from Dallas said...

Ok, so what happens when the 72 virgins are no longer virgins? Do you get 72 more? Do they start bugging you after awhile to take out the trash and start putting the toilet seat down?

 
At 6/22/2005 11:52:00 AM, Blogger Tina said...

Yes, and I suppose they will find these "eager" Iraqis chained to the steering wheels and so drugged up they can't drive the car.

I think the foreign jihadis are beginning to figure things out. I understand the Iraqi tribes are after them and slaughtering them as they cross the border. Even the smugglers are getting fed up with them.

 
At 6/22/2005 05:51:00 PM, Blogger gbaikie said...

"Ohh, but don't fret about this. I know who to blame for this. That's right, the USA. After all, Al Zarqawi is a US agent. What? you didn't know? But it was reported in an Egyptian state-owned newspaper and you know that those never ever lie! Cause you see, they are not owned by the evil Joooooozzzzz!"

Isn't it's wonderful that the evil infidels are the ticketmasters to heaven?
Crazy system God's got here- you must to go to Satan if you want the 72 virgin special.
There has got to be a great movie is this plot- a black comedy, of course.
Ok, let me fill out the story a bit. Satan of course is involved and it's very cruel and typical of Satan's work, but one these suicidical fools actually beats Satan. Of the hundreds of Satan's victims which forever tortured by "the 72 virgins" one guy who actually has a "pure heart" and earns his wings with beautiful babes, etc.
Of course, this probably won't be made, it's just too hot an issue- the director would probably be getting death threats from everyone- including the "moderate" Christians.

 
At 6/22/2005 10:20:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Random dude drives a car full of C-4 into a market and kills a bunch of Iraqis it is not popular? If an Iraqi drives a car full of C-4 into a market and kills a bunch of Iraqis it is Jihad?

I have no faith but I am certain that God will spit on the corpse of any idiot who intentionally kills as many civilians as he can for political gain.

 
At 12/22/2006 10:09:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i want to ask a question to god."if we cant win against our destiny then what is fun of our living"?wht ever thing written in our destiny has to be in reality any how wht ever we do to stop it then we r just waisting our time it is just like "we are hitting the wall with our head the result will be the same the our head will broken but wall will remain".This is not life it is like a hell.God if u think that wht ever u r doing is right then plz dont think that we will not respect u as u r great but for that fear as u can kill us any time,anywhere where u want.Plz let something for us to fight.

"Allow the people to live free rather than ur slaves"



Dear all viewers plz give ur comment on my thoughts,plz.

 

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