1) Daisy Duck is a bitch. Donald is way too good for her. 2) The only thing more important than saying “NO, you don’t look fat in that outfit” when she asks you the first time, is the deep sincerity with which you must say “Really” when she asks you the second time. 3) When a girlfriend and a mouse are in the same room, a man does not belong on the chair. 4) Nobody on a political talk show has ever convinced a fellow panelist of anything. Never happened. Never will. 5) There is nothing that can be marketed that can not be marketed better using the voice of James Earl Jones. 6) Ruby is not sexy and she can not dance (sorry Jeff). She just tries too hard. 7) It’s in my experience that lesbians make the best breakfast, followed closely by straight French girls. 8) No matter how hard you practice, you can not say “Yeah, right” without sounding sarcastic. 9) There is no excuse for Speedos. 10) Did you ever notice that the space between a woman’s breasts and pelvic region is called a “waist”? Who named it that? 11) The most passionate relationships are always left unresolved! 12) Soft Tacos Rule, Hard Tacos SUCK! 13) When you turn 23, you are no longer allowed to use “Party” as a verb. 14) White people who use the term “Dawg” need to be kicked repeatedly in the groin. The same applies to Asians. 15) If someone begins an opinion by saying “Now I’m not [fill in the blank]”, then that person is “[fill in the blank]”. 16) When intellectuals are white, they are called intellectuals. When they are black, they are called “Black intellectuals”. 17) Dentists are never funny. The same applies to Proctologists. 18) Not all babies are cute. Most of them are rather unpleasant looking! 19) If someone calls you a “credit to your race”, he is not complimenting you; He is actually insulting your whole race. 20) If there is one thing that comes out of a terrible tragedy, it’s really dumb legislation.