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Rantings of a Sandmonkey

Be forewarned: The writer of this blog is an extremely cynical, snarky, pro-US, secular, libertarian, disgruntled sandmonkey. If this is your cup of tea, please enjoy your stay here. If not, please sod off

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Private Post: Choices!

This is the Story of me and S. I met S. in 1999, during one of those stupid Model U.N. or Model E.U. conferences, I honestly can’t remember which. I do, however, fully remember S. S was beautiful. She was a student in the Political Science College in Cairo University, while I was still a senior in High school. I remember us sitting next to each other and hitting it off immediately; we had just one of those rare connections that you encounter maybe 3 or 4 times in your life if you are lucky. Only one problem: both of us were involved at the time. During that time I was going through my own private Romeo and Juliet Saga with C. (Muslim dating Christian in Egypt= Drama) and S. was kind of going through a similar thing since her boyfriend was Palestinian and Palestinians should only marry Palestinians, so his family didn’t approve as well. We used to sit down and chat and marvel on how stupid this world we live in is, and how we allow things like our religion and ethnic background to divide us. Soon afterwards he broke–up with her, and me and C. had the break-up of the millennium. Suddenly we were both single and both heartbroken, which brought us even closer to each other. But we never crossed that line. Till today I can’t figure out why we didn’t take that step, but I guess many reasons were in play back then: Both of us had just came out of a heavy relationship, so we were both heartbroken and in need to be single for a while; I was leaving in less then 4 months to the States, and she was staying in Egypt; She was older then me with 2 years, and she wanted to get married or engaged soon, while I still had 4 years of college. There were many good reasons for us not to take that step, for us to stay just friends. But the attraction still remained regardless. Some things you just can’t control. It’s funny, because I remember that when it came time for me to leave to the US, she was the hardest person to say goodbye to. We were so accustomed to being a part of each other’s lives that it seemed wrong of me to leave. I remember her lamenting that eventually every person she likes leaves her, and I remember telling her that I am coming back in 4 months for Christmas. That after that I will be back for spring break, and after that I will be back for the whole summer. “This is not goodbye S . Just a long See you later”, I told her with a smile. At the time we booth seemed to believe it. Fast Forward 4 months later, during which we used to chat a lot online, and I even called her a couple of times. It’s time to go home for break. I end up going back, and me and her meet again and it was like nothing changed. That invisible friendship wall still remained between us though. Her eyes always seemed to be urging me to take that next step, to get the hint, to just go for it, and I wouldn’t. Too chicken. Too afraid of messing things up between us. It seemed like this would never change… ..Until new year’s eve 1999 came along and everything changed. That night I was at a party at my friend Sh.’s Villa near the pyramids. All of my High school crew was there, so it was a reunion and a celebration. There was this massive Celebration that the Egyptian government organized for new year’s eve at the Pyramids, where Jean Michel Jarre was supposed to perform his electronic music alongside his worldly known laser show. All of Egypt was going to that party- except us- and you were encouraged to not come driving your car, but to take the special shuttles that they supplied to transport the people who bought the regular tickets and not the VIP tent ones. S. was going to that party, and she took a shuttle with her friends, expecting to get there early and party her ass off. There was one problem with that plan though: The Pyramids street is a regular traffic Nightmare and that night traffic was beyond horrible. It had a lot to do with the organization of the event and the amount of shuttles and the how psychotic Egyptian drivers are in the first place, but to make a long story short, traffic was not moving. It was not moving to the point that it was midnight and their shuttle was still stuck in traffic. I am not kidding. The girl ended up spending her millennium new year’s eve in a shuttle with 2 of her friends, surrounded by strangers and tons of traffic. It was horrible. I remember her calling me around 12:30 crying from frustration, and how she should’ve listened to me and went to that party with me in the first place. She asked me if I could come and get her (Sh’s house was on the other side, outgoing traffic from the pyramids area and it was very much empty) because she just wants to go home at this point. I figure that the party I was at wasn’t likely to get better anyway, so I agreed. I drove up to the area her shuttle was stuck, the three girls came out and I picked them up. I felt so bad for them, it was 12:45 am, on New Year’s Eve, and they were going on their way home already. Sucky. After I drove her friends home, it was time to take her to her house as well. On our way there I start noticing that she was starting to tear up. I stop the car and try to cheer her up and she starts bawling. I try to make light of the situation to cheer her up, “Wow, all those tears for missing a stupid euro-trash rave?” “It’s not just that”, she replied through her tears. “It’s everything! Nothing ever works out for me!” “Why do you say that?” I replied, while kind of knowing the answer. “Because nothing ever does. Look at tonight. I spent the millennium’s new year’s eve on a bus. And that’s just so typical. My plans never work, my relationships never work out. The guys I like either leave me or leave the country..” and she pauses immediately with this horrified look on her face. She said too much. (This is your moment boy. Take it!) And I did. I placed my hand on her face and I leaned forward and I kissed her. (Moment of truth) She kissed me back. (Awesome) We finally separate, and we look into each other’s eyes. So much is said without talking. And then we go at it again. Making out in hungry abandon. Totally lost in that moment. All the frustration of the past 9 months coming out in one 2-hour long kissing session. Back then I considered it one of the best nights of my life. The morning after, well, that’s another story. That’s when reality set in. We kissed last night. We passed that line. What the hell is going to happen now? I call her, and for the first time it’s awkward talking to her. We agree to meet to talk. Both of us seemed really nervous. In a pensive mood. Probably because we knew what was to come. We would both talk about how last night was a mistake, how it would never work out for a million reasons, how we don’t want to lose each other’s friendship. Two cowards waiting for the other to be honest about the way they feel, but don’t have the courage to be honest themselves or to even ask each other about the way they feel. We were very mature that day, and that was the first day when I realized that maturity was another word for cowardice and dishonesty. Fake smiles, fake relief, a promise “to return to the way we were” that both of us knew we wouldn’t be able to keep. Meeting’s over and we are “oh so glad we could work this out”. A couple of Liars. That’s what we are! Thankfully, I had to go back to the States on the 4th. I didn’t talk to her until the night I left. Short phone call. Awkward. Yep, the damage was done. Things will never be the same again. Over the next few months we hardly talked to each other online or on the phone. When I went back for spring break we made bullshit plans to meet that neither one of us intended to keep. It was for the best, you see. Then the summer came and I was back for a whopping 3 months. Don’t really have any excuses not to meet-up. I call her and she is cold, but agrees to meet up. We meet and within 3 minutes she drops a bomb on me. “I am getting married!” Some dude saw her in a party and asked about her. He then tried to hit on her and when it didn’t really go his way he took his father and proposed to her. She accepted. “But why?”, I asked. “I have to go on with my life, you know!” was her response. “I need something to work out for me!” She then informed me that she can not see me or talk to me again, because she will be a married woman soon and she can’t possibly have male friends anymore. She just thought it would be more respectful to do it “face to face”, given our history together. And she left. I was hurt, and I was furious. So that’s it? It’s that easy? We are out of each other’s lives just like that? And what’s with the “can’t be friends with guys after I am married” crap? So that’s all we are to you? Wedding opportunities? WTF? Now imagine how much my fury increased when I spoke to other girls I knew and they informed me that they are likely to do the same the moment they got married as well. “Ohh, we were friends forever, but it was all just a way to see if we can get married. Now that I have a husband, I have no use for you. Bye!” That’s just wrong. Anyway… Low and behold a few days later I discover that the guy who proposed to her is the good friend of my Brother-in-Law’s partner, and that they tend to go out frequently. When I asked them what he was like, their response was : “Total scumbag. Has a thing for whores and belly dancers. He got a belly dancer pregnant just a few months ago and then pushed her down a stairwell so she can have a miscarriage”. Then my brother in law said “didn’t he get engaged to some really beautiful girl?” and his partner quipped “Yeah, and that is not stopping him or slowing him down. We were just at his place yesterday and he had like 3 whores waiting for us. It was one hell of a party! Hahaha”. (Oh God) What am I supposed to do now? I asked myself. The angel on my right shoulder said “She is getting married to this total piece of shit. You should do something. You should tell her, so that she break-up with him immed..” “Stop right there!”, the devil on my left shoulder said. “Why is it any of your business? Wasn’t she the one who approved of getting married to him? She must have snooped around him or something, so she must have an idea. Plus, I specifically remember her telling you to stay away from her. So do that!” “But he is a scumbag!” the angel screamed. “You have to save her from him. You have to tell her the truth. She may know something but not the whole truth. You have to do something before it’s too late.” “You have to do shit. Like she would believe you anyway and not think you were just trying to sabotage this for her. What? You want another thing to fail for her? You want to be the cause of her heartbreak again? Face it, You can’t save her, and she probably doesn’t want to be saved. This is what she wanted. Let her reap what she sowed. Let her get what’s coming to her. She asked you to leave her alone, so respect her wishes. Do Not Get involved.” The Devil won that day. I said nothing. I even pretended not to know anything about him when I bumped into her in public 3 weeks later. She introduced us to each other. I told him that I heard all about him from his friends with a fake yellow smile. And I left after exchanging with him seriously hostile looks. Just walked away. And that was the last I’ve heard of either of them until last night, when I bumped into her at a restaurant in Heliopolis. She was carrying a child and looking seriously older. She looked sad and weary. “So, when did you come back?” “Last October. It’s been a while. You had a kid? “Yep. That’s my daughter Zeina. 18 months old” “She is adorable. So, how are things with Y.” “ We are divorced!” (We have just lost cabin pressure) I asked her what happened, but I knew the story before she even said it. She knew of his philandering but he promised her it would all stop the minute they are married and she believed him. He behaved himself for 2 months and then he started cheating and mistreating her. She thought a child is what they needed. He became a bigger asshole. He started beating her. She asked for a divorce and ended up getting one after giving up all of her rights. “But things are better now”, she said, giving me a tired smile. “I have Zeina, and that’s all that matters”. She gives me her number, saying that we should get together sometime and reminisce about the way things were. I tell her that she can count on me calling her. I am still in shock when she leaves, and I slowly watch my hand erase her number from my phone. I can’t face her again. I just can’t. Look, I know that it was her choice to marry him. She even knew of his flaws and she did it anyway. She got screwed, sure, but it was by her own bidding. She chose to marry the man knowing that he is a scumbag. It was her decision. Personal responsibility and all. I know I did nothing wrong. But if that’s true, then why do I feel so guilty? I guess Mark Twain was right: As we get older, it’s not the things that we did that we end up regretting, it’s the things we didn’t do that we regret most.

49 Comments:

At 9/14/2005 06:36:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey

She made her choice, and if you respect women, which you definatly do, you have to allow them to make mistakes the same way men do. If she failed to take the time to check this guy out, then that failing is on her. You can't blame yourself for letting her marry an obvious loser.

James

 
At 9/14/2005 06:46:00 AM, Blogger Louise said...

Hey Sam, don't you think you might regret erasing her number? Might be that you will always wonder whether the thing could have been rekindled. You'll never know unless you try and, if it doesn't work out, at least then you won't be haunted by that nagging question for the rest of time.

 
At 9/14/2005 06:54:00 AM, Blogger The Sandmonkey said...

Louise,
I erased that number because my heart literally was tron from how she looked! She was so sad, aged beyond her years. So broken. I just couldn't see her like that again. I just couldn't. You know?

I don't think what we had would ever be rekindeld again. Too much happend. We are both different people now.Not to mention : I never really loved her.I cared deeply for her, but it never had the chance to be love, you know?

 
At 9/14/2005 07:22:00 AM, Blogger Lani said...

When I was fresh out of high school I was a very sad girl, a product of a messy divorce, looking for my daddy. I found myself with such a bum. He beat me regularly but I was convinced it was my fault. If I could just get him to see how wonderful a person I was then he would love me enough to stop it. It was my own feeling of worthlessness that kept me with him. I had a neighbor with whom I felt the same attraction as you did with this lady. He would rescue me on occasion, hiding me in his home while dressing my wounds. I often dreamed that he could save me (from myself). Within a year I ended up in exactly the same situation as your friend. Beaten, divorced, with a daughter. After many years of rebuilding myself, I ran into my neighbor. Today is our 14th wedding anniversary and we are both very happy. It is so strange that you should post this today. NEVER say NEVER!

 
At 9/14/2005 07:41:00 AM, Blogger Papa Ray said...

Hey Kid,

I'll share a poem I wrote after I lost my last love.

Over 25 years ago.

I'ts just for you SM, so if you please, the rest of you just skip it.

A Lesson

In my mind I had a true love to be,
But my heart whispered it would never hold,
She was a rare and precious beauty,
A beautiful treasure to behold.

Perhaps too good and pure for me.
Innocence more precious than gold,
But with the warmth it brought my soul,
I never felt the hidden cold.

With the months the warmth turned so cold
Untill her true heart's feelings would be told.

My mind said this could not be true,
But my heart said, what did I tell you ?

Live and learn

Papa Ray
West Texas
USA

 
At 9/14/2005 07:56:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I skipped your poem, Papa Ray, but for your Sand Man, I hope you feel better. If I was in your shoes, I would have told her about the man she would later marry, and if she told me to f*ck off, then I could have washed my hands of the mess she was walking into. If I didn't tell her, it would haunt me for the rest of my life knowing I could have done something to help someone out but didn't. Don't mean to make you feel bad, though.

And what is it about young girls wanting to get married anyway? What's wrong with living single and enjoying life? They're not Barbie and the guy they're would marry is likely not Ken either. Most end in divorce anyway, so why rush?

 
At 9/14/2005 08:11:00 AM, Blogger Mia said...

SM you feel guilty b/c obviously even it it’s just friendship you care about the woman. Don’t be a wuss and give her a call sounds like she needs a friend. Someone has to be the bigger person and make the first move towards re-establishing the friendship.
I can sympathize with the situation. My best friend since I was 14 hooked up with the biggest ass wipe known to man. After a year of being engaged her breaks up with her telling her he never loved her to begin with. A few months later they re-establish their sexual relationship. She was hoping for reconciliation, he just wanted ass. I tell her this b/c a real friend tells you what you need to know not just what you want to hear. She ignores my warnings and winds up pregnant. We discussed the fact that she is going to do this alone he’s already bolted and her mom was no help. We talked about her choices and I told her whatever she chose I would stand by her and support her. If she wanted to have the baby I'd help her out, if she wanted an abortion I'd go with her and help her pay for it. She’s thinking he’s going to marry her. Next thing you know her mom calls me up saying I’m a bad friend yaddah yadda blizah blizah for encouraging her to get an abortion. Our friendship just crumbled from there. Everything I predicted came true he was no where around for her difficult pregnancy, she lost her job, and dropped out of school. She gave birth prematurely and her baby died several days later. Her mom didn’t even call me to let me know. When school started up it turned out she was in several of my classes. It wasn’t the same we always threatened to hang out together but it never happened. Even our conversations were different. Then one day I noticed how she always seemed sad , she didn’t have anyone and I decided to be the bigger person. One day instead of bolting to my next class just to avoid her I stopped and we had a really deep talk. She opened up to me and I just listened. End result our friendship is back on track and stronger than ever. After a few awkward moments the past faded away and the magic came back.

 
At 9/14/2005 08:29:00 AM, Blogger Baltic Waves said...

S/M - Even if you had talked to her about her future husband, she most likly would not have listened to you. We women can be very stuborn when friends and family try to tell us about men in our lives.

That being said, and hindsight is always 20/20, you could have stated that if she changed her mind about keeping in touch after her wedding , you would be there for her as a friend.

Her line about not being friends after her wedding is a lot of BS , I'm married, and I still get together with my male friends, they have been incorporated into our (my husband's and my) circle of friends.

If you were truly friends , then maybe that friendship could be reinstated. It seems that at this time in her life, a good friend is just what she needs, and if indeed there is no longer any thought of romance in your head(s), :-) , then you should rethink the whole idea of never talking to her again.

Just my mussings......

 
At 9/14/2005 08:57:00 AM, Anonymous brenda said...

Sandmonkey...very nice honest post. Many of us have stories like this. Mark Twain was right, it's the things we don't do that we regret...but sometimes we have to not do something and regret it, in order to learn that lesson. I've been there...feel for you. I also struggle still, with being as honest with people as possible. Just say it as you see it. I've learned that even if it seems like I might be making a fool of myself, only good comes from the truth, in the end. All is as it should be then. Peace.

 
At 9/14/2005 09:14:00 AM, Blogger NBS said...

Mr sandmonkey,

In all your smartness and deep and mindfull things that you post on your blog. The way that you preach about standing up for what is right, standing up for your chance to make your country better, if not for yourself but for your fellow countrymen and women. Why dont you stand up and take control of one female. you preach about wamnting a better country but when a very dear friend cries out to you pretty much, knowing that out of all the crap that has gone on in her life you are still there, that you run away like a mouse and say oh its too hard. arnt you the one who is telling the people in your country to stand up and dont take the "oh its too hard stance" well grow some balls mate, if anything in your life you can be sure that if you reach out to this women who has been abused and neglected she will apperciate it. you might be the only little flame that is left in her now, besides her daughter,dont let that flame go out mate, do something, i am sure you can find her if you really want to. life changes, life goes on, people go through different things, some peopel suffer more then others, but dont run away when it gets complicated, that is when you are needed the most.

put away those feelings that resulted in those funny moments and reach out to her, help a fellow country women in her time of need otherwise what good are you? why even bother your ranting about the goverments if you cant even help one women????

NBS82

 
At 9/14/2005 10:05:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I almost shed a tear there,...just joking!!
You feel bad because of what might have been & what it is now. You did good by not calling as things would be drastically different.
she is a typical egyptian girl, who wanted to get married even though wasnt in love, it didnt matter who so you reap what you sow.
she knew what she was getting into, she has a child & its her life now, whatever choices she makes regarding the male dominion will be strictly economic.
the question is, will you keep your distance or enter a problematic zone?

 
At 9/14/2005 10:07:00 AM, Blogger Polly Prissy-Pants said...

Not your fault.

 
At 9/14/2005 10:11:00 AM, Anonymous DINA said...

NBS,

THAT SEEMS HARDLY FAIR, DON;T YOU THINK? THAT'S NOT REALLY THE SAME AT ALL AND YOUR ANALOGY IS CRUEL AND INSENSITIVE.

SM, THAT WAS A LOVELY POST. IGNORE THAT IDIOT!

 
At 9/14/2005 10:25:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If a very athletic friend had to get his leg amputated after a car accident, would you delete his phone number because you couldn't bear to watch him walk to the restaurant on crutches?

 
At 9/14/2005 12:01:00 PM, Blogger ritzy said...

Sorry Babe,
no one is in a position to judge you or throw the first stone and we have all (I'm sure) choosen the sensitive - no-confrontation - mind my own business - let them suit themselves - if they don't want me let it be - etc etc way out of tricky situations. After all, we also have to tend to our own hearts and feelings.

Yet, if the measure is "how good friend have you been to this girl" I'd say you're scoring badly.

1) It was all you and her, that magic connection you are lucky to experience a few times in life. Yet after the first kiss, you run off with the tail between your legs. Sure, you had other things to tend to on the other side of the Atlantic. Tough shit, we've all missed the special moments and we'll all regret it forever.

2) She is crying out on your shoulder and is obviously in need of a friend who can help her with the choices she feel she can't make herself without failing. Does that make you the better man when she is ditching you to get married? No.

3) You knew exactly how bad he was and we're not talking sleeping around with girlfriends before marriage, we're talking pushing pregnant whores down the stairs. Do you think any other friends of her had this knowledge? Do you think she realized he was this bad?
You kept your mouth shut. She had asked for it, she wouldn't see you after marriage anyway (b/c that's the proper way to do it in some circles). You knew she were about to jump into a pit with a lion yet you didn't warn her.

4) She has a lot of regrets and she wants to catch up with you and get on with her life again after a really really tough time, probably the worst she will have in her life. But it's not your business b/c she didn't really give you the chance to fall in love in the first place, eh? It's the sad fact of our times that we don't have time to be friends to those of us who need us. Can't gain anything from it? Painful to watch? So let it be, my buddies are waiting around the corner.

I guess she never was that special to you in the first place. Had she been one of those who defined your life, you wouldn't have considered any other option than always being there for her.

xx/ ritzy

 
At 9/14/2005 12:24:00 PM, Blogger gatorbait said...

Sam, You did right. I'll send an e-mail later. But, right now, you'd be entering the same cycle that lead you both to where you were.

 
At 9/14/2005 12:26:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sam ,that's life ;-) People make choices.

Long ago I knew of my best friend's husband cheating on her while she was abroad one time. I never told her. They're still happily married.
Que sera, sera - you know?

Now that you're different people - don't torture yourself for not wanting to see her and be guided into retro-active feelings which have changed over the years.

People make choices.

Be good,
Tse.

 
At 9/14/2005 12:27:00 PM, Blogger The Sandmonkey said...

Thanks Ritzy, could always count on you to make me feel worse about myself!

 
At 9/14/2005 12:39:00 PM, Blogger Shamoussa said...

Sam,
You shouldn't feel guilty at all.
If it's about not telling her that he was a scumbag, well first: you weren't in a position to be heard, you had to pass her the info through someone because you would've been then the jealous guy whose trying to ruin her wedding for his own good. Second: you say she knew and he promised to change (and we all know that deil el kalb 3omro mayet3edel!).. so she knew.
Third, she didn't make one wrong decision (which you think that you contributed to by not telling her the guys truth) , the wrong decision did not just involve choosing the man, it included the way she agreed to get married, she accepted the arranged marriage and accepted also to marry someone she didn't love because she wanted to get married, it's a whole life path choice.. not just the wrong guy, but the wrong way and the wrong reasons to get married! And I believe that these aren't really concerning you!

So now, if you really do love her, go on, but pitty is just not the good reason.

And by the way, mobile number exchanging is a routine polite thing to show that you want to stay in touch, doesn't mean you should call neither that she wants you to call. I actually keep the numbers of people I don't intend to answer to so I can know it's them and not answer ;)

 
At 9/14/2005 12:50:00 PM, Blogger ritzy said...

Babe,
maybe I'm living in a novel and not in reality, if so, don't be angry now b/c I'm gonna twist the dagger in your back a little further:

It is not about you, it is about her.

This time.

 
At 9/14/2005 01:26:00 PM, Blogger raf* said...

sam-

i'm pretty much with ritzy on that one -- meyya bil meyya.

not following up after that magical kiss on new year's eve ... well, yeah, no biggie ... still ... we don't get those chances often.

BUT - not telling her about that scumbag -> that's just wrong. you were pissed, understandably, and i personally am disgusted by the whole "i need to get married" attitude, but you KNEW and at least could've tried to be a good friend. would she've listened to you? maybe not, but still - it was your DUTY as a friend and decent person.

SAME NOW - she's made a bad call, she's suffered, she's a divorced woman with a young daughter in cairo -> when she met you again, i'm sure she was feeling ashamed to have you see her like that ... you could've been a good friend - but you erased her number. AT LEAST you should've sent her a letter, explaining.

dude, i know it's hard - trust me, i DO - but you just chose to run away, to go the easy way.

it's all understandable ... but man ... you let your own pride get in the way of your decency.

damn zionists.

--raf*

 
At 9/14/2005 01:50:00 PM, Blogger Highlander said...

SM ..find the woman and call her, so what if she is not as pretty as before. Be a friend and help through this bad patch.

When she heals she will become young and beautiful again,plus you have no fear she is not going to hit at you now and even if she does you are a big boy you can say NO right? Don't make another mistake you will regret in 10 years time.

There is always a purpose in things and the fact that you bumped into her again proves it. You say you are psychic ? well act on it my friend .
One more thing ir7amu 3aziza kaumin zal.! Let me know what happens. I am not apportioning blame to you for the past , but you have the chance to make the present good and her future better . So just do IT !
Carpe Diem .

 
At 9/14/2005 02:09:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

To the person who drew the most preposturous analogy of an athele with an amputated leg, that case is illogical & irrelevant totally.
the lady married a pig knowing he was a pig, she told him she cant meet him or talk to him again cos she was getting married to a pig, now the pig dumped her, do you take her back? use your brains a bit, its not as if they were friends who met by chance after she got divorced with no previous mutual background they shared, a friend with an amputated leg is absolute horse-shit!!!!

 
At 9/14/2005 03:01:00 PM, Blogger ritzy said...

anon -- it doesn't have to be about taking someone back, it is only about being human, decent and a friend.

We can use an edited version of one of the most famos sayings in the world to illustrate the point:

Do to others what you like others to do to you

And I really hate that "she can blame herself" attitude. Stinker!

 
At 9/14/2005 05:20:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What Highlander said.

Call her Sam.

Bridget

 
At 9/14/2005 05:30:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your mission for the next week or so, Sand Man, should you choose to accept it, is to TRACK HER DOWN. Use the phone directory, google her address, do something but track her down.

 
At 9/14/2005 05:39:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry abouthow this has made you feel SM. Life just isn't fair sometimes. I don't blame you a bit for erasing her phone number, she pretty much did the same thing to you first. Besides, few men want to raise someone else's child! Sorry but that is the truth fair or not.

 
At 9/14/2005 07:05:00 PM, Anonymous Suz said...

To the previous poster-- Calling her and being a good friend does not mean you want to raise her child. Is there no value in a relationship if you're NOT planning to marry the woman? If only to set a good example for other male pigs like her ex, a good male role model for her child, you can treat her with dignity and be an example of an honorable man who can be a good friend without getting laid. That is assuming, of course, that you are an honorable man who can be a good friend without getting laid. I'm not saying to make a huge burden in your own life for her sake, but how about just a gesture or two as a good friend?

 
At 9/15/2005 03:28:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

to ritzy
where was that decent good friends atgtitude when she told him she wont meet him or call him again????? is that what friends are for or is that what friendship is about???
wont she tell him the same thing if she finds someone else & drop him straight out, again??
if she hadnt said that stupid thing then yes he should call, but she waived that friendship knowing he was a good friend all because she was getting married to a prick...i always treat people the way i would like them to treat me but i dont like to be taken for a fool.

 
At 9/15/2005 04:25:00 AM, Blogger ritzy said...

anon -- that is just the way it is for some people, it would be unacceptable to keep up relations with male friends, especially if you have been involved. It is silly, imature, insecure, yes, and it's about the way society is. We can turn it around and say at least she was honest about it.

Too many Egyptian girls are playing around, shopping for marriage as if that was the only thing that counts. I don't know what kind of friend she is herself. But I want to believ that we always try to be the better person. In this discussion, it is about not warning her when he knew the guy she would marry is abusing women, with extreme violence. He tried to kill that woman's baby. That guy is capable of hitting any women to death. Would you not tell your friend about it? Would you put her life at risk? I don't think so. It is also about turning away when someone -again- has realized her mistake and need a friendly contact. Why would you need to involve yourself in romance? Why does a phone call has to lead to dating and marriage?

So what if I thought a friend could have treated me better? I wouldn't want to think that stops me from being the better person. Are we supposed to count plus and minuses in our communication? You said that therefore I say this? Since when is any social relation 100 percent satisfaction? What make us friends is that we accept the other persons faults and realize we too fail sometimes. Well, I met people who never seem to realize that, who never are capable of being self critical. That kind of people don't have what it takes to be friends. If you like them anyway, go ahead, it's part of your mission in life to influence people to become better and happier. If you have nothing in common, it doesn't matter, you go separate ways.

Then again it is always easy to say how we want people to be, ourself to be, how to react and behave. In real life it's more difficult. That's why SM's post is so great.

 
At 9/15/2005 04:29:00 AM, Blogger Highlander said...

Anonymous 3:28 AM
I don't know you, however I'll venture to say that you are not aware of ME culture ( not religion ok !) Regardless of dating , having male friends , mixed parties etc... It is still frowned upon to have male friends after you get married ( even if you come from a fashionable clique) - hence that's why she dropped SM if she wanted to preserve a marriage, ME men are just too jealous of other males friends of their wives. I know that's stupid and probably hypocritical as well , but that's how it is for the time being until things become truely more liberal .
In Egypt she is the one who has lost everything and I mean that literally, the man always recovers.

 
At 9/15/2005 04:31:00 AM, Blogger Highlander said...

lol ritzy we posted this almost simultaneously :)

 
At 9/15/2005 05:01:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Being the idiot the made the comparison to the athletic friend, this is specifically what I was replying to
...
I erased that number because my heart literally was tron from how she looked! She was so sad, aged beyond her years. So broken. I just couldn't see her like that again. ...


Maybe that would have been more clear.

SM -

You are under no obligation to "rescue" anyone from a bad choice ... nor under any obligation to marry someone you don't love ... nor raise another man's child ... or any such thing.

BUT!

If that was truely the reason you erased her number, then my comment stands ...

You are, IMO, stoning the leper, least misfortune be contagious ...

I don't know anyone that has not done it at least once in their life, so please do not feel condemned by this.

My own leper was my supervisor, some years back who lost her job, at the same time her husband did. She was a wonderful friend as well and I thought the only way to help them was to give them money, which as a student, I did not have. I avoided her as a result.

Only later, I realized that simple friendship - jokes, stories, visits - might have been more important to her at the time. I do not even know where they live anymore, and I regret that quite a bit.

Apologies in advance if this only adds to your misery. I was hoping that the 'athletic friend comparison' might help you see the situation from a different point of view ...

 
At 9/15/2005 05:52:00 AM, Anonymous Dudu said...

Guys,

I know SM personally. I think you are being unfair, and I think you are being too harsh, and I think you are making him angry. SM is a wonderful person, but you don't want to make him angry at you. From reading the crap you people are posting and the kind of judgments being passed, i say he has every right to be. Most of you are kicking him when he was down,and that is probably a big mistake.

 
At 9/15/2005 06:11:00 AM, Blogger Highlander said...

Dudu ,

SM shared this wonderful post with his readers , this means only one thing , he wishes the readers to participate and to give their input.
On the other hand each reader loves him very very much, and because they care they took the trouble to post a comment and help him in his dilemna, obviously his decision is not final (yet). But whatever it is he would have to do it eventually on his own to find peace. And whatever the outcome no body will blame or put him down.

Go SM we know you have a big heart !رحابة صدروقدرة على التحمل
x Highlander

 
At 9/15/2005 06:55:00 AM, Blogger ritzy said...

Dudu -- I hate to tell you this but SM has changed; being hurt is not an issue any longer. There's a hint in the site preamble "be forewarned" but the ultimate evidence is the up-to-now secret video-clip of our most recent date:

http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=2310&NEXTID=0&PREVID=2318&DISPLAYORDER=20050526183206&CAT=movies&NSFW=3&page=6

(that's it, I've exceeded my bitching quota for weeks -years?- to come so I won't come back and check the comments on this..)

 
At 9/15/2005 07:09:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Originally posted by Dude
I know SM personally. I think you are being unfair, and I think you are being too harsh, and I think you are making him angry. SM is a wonderful person, but you don't want to make him angry at you.

You make it sound as though he's the Incredible Hulk; nobody would want to make him angry, huh?


From reading the crap you people are posting and the kind of judgments being passed, i say he has every right to be. Most of you are kicking him when he was down,and that is probably a big mistake.

FYI, many of the posts made are not "crap"; they're advice from readers who give a damn about the blogger. Sand Man has a pretty good command of the English, so he can speak up if he wants to. You sure it's wise for you to act as his mouthpiece?

jonas976

 
At 9/15/2005 07:57:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

To Highlander
I Am well aware of ME culture, i am well aware of the hypocrisy that runs in its blood every single minute of the day, i am well aware of this patriarchical society & the stupid customs that govern it bolsetred by antiquated traditions that have been long rubbed in the ground.
that is all you people care about, skin deep & vain, you worry about what will others do or say about us,as if these people are saints themselves. There is no excuse to ruin a friendship because of marriage, those who go along are part of the hypocrisy themselves, you cannot absolve them.
I do not weigh friendship & i have great patience but certain incidents just tell you when something can no longer work out.
Sm seems decent & did the right thing, or he could have called her & was a true good friend like he was before she hit the tide of hypocrisy & told him to beat it out of her life, that woman is out to find another guy which is natural & her right, but once she does she will forfeit the SM again on the altar of the ME Holy traditions & say to him ma3lish ya Sm, u know how it is, ure a good friend & blah blah blah....anyone who blames him for losing that number isjust saying it out of luxury of being detached or naive.
Its exactly for those illogical Me customs that he forgets her for good because it will happen again.

 
At 9/15/2005 02:05:00 PM, Blogger programmer craig said...

SM, I don't think you were the bad guy for not telling the girl about the man she was amrrying. I think she may have not only ignored you, she may have been angry with you, thinking you were trying to spoil her marriage. Women can be strange when it comes to guys they are involved with. For example, I knew a girl who dated a guy who used to beat her up whenever he got drunk, which happened a lot. I tried to convince her to break up with the guy, but she said she loved him and couldn't stand to leave him. So, I told her not to ever bring the guy around me, because if I saw him hit her, I was going to beat the hell out of him. She ignored me, and brought him to a party at my house. He got drunk and punched her. I beat the hell out of him. She drove him home and never spoke to me again. Sometimes, it really is best to mind your own business.

However, I have to agree with what Highlander and Ritzy (and others) have said about your recent encounter with her. She seems like she needs a friend, right now. Maybe a friend from her past, somebody who knows what happened. I realize it's probably painful to see her/talk to her/etc... but the mark of a truly good person is when they are willing to help others, even when it isn't easy or painless to help. I'm not suggesting you get involved with her (unless you want to) but at least don't add to her misery... even a small gesture of friendship from you might mean the world to her, right now.

And to some of the anons... grow up! Sometimes, it really isn't all about you!

 
At 9/16/2005 02:32:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

programmer craig
You are oblivious to egyptian ways. common sense would suggest he forgets the past & helps her to overcome this low time in her life but since we are not talking about western common sense or a life threatening situation, she will eventually drop his friendship the second she finds another man.
& if it REALLY isnt all about you then might aswell turn the other cheek & let everyone walk over you & hurt you.
as hard as the truth is but it comes down to this, girls will know boys & be good buddies till they marry, fullstop.

 
At 9/16/2005 10:32:00 AM, Blogger Steve in Boston said...

Sam: You fix things. That's what you do, or try to do. I understand she has a child now, and that does change things, but man.. You should at least be her friend, help her get her head straight, etc. She's still alive, so she's not too broken that she can't be fixed (saved).

I had a similar story to yours, nearly identical, in fact... but I couldn't fix J... I didn't get the chance, you see, because she didn't survive the bad marriage, and took her own life :(

You're a good person, and I'd hate to see what my story's ending would do to you. It changed me forever, and while its been 20 years now, I still think of J. several times a week... and after reading this post, I'll be thinking of her many times a day now, for a good long while.

 
At 9/16/2005 03:24:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Someone said the girl will ditch you again. That is ok. We want people to be better and if we can set a good example, we should. I am sick of people complaining about the Egytpian mentality. We just need to set new standards.

I read Highlanders comments and I think she is a true friend. It is better to have friends that tell you what they think. I have friends who always try to say the nice thing, I do not know why I put up with it. Maybe we can't always choose our friends.

 
At 9/16/2005 03:41:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

setting new standards is a must!
Too many pains & rifts because of the current mentality that is turning ludicrous, i would luv to see the day when a new set of fresh ideas & contemporary perception take place & old customs with so called traditions are sidelined.

 
At 9/17/2005 01:48:00 AM, Blogger The Sandmonkey said...

Ok, I think it’s time that I respond to what’s being said here. I’ve let this get drawn out long enough to see where it would lead, and it was rather interesting to see who was defending me and who wasn’t. I was surprised by some (Ritzy, ahem) and not surprised by others (NBS), but dudu has it wrong: I am not mad at you who passed judgments. Sure, I was slightly peeved at first, given that I was feeling like shit and some people felt the need to make me feel worse, but I decided not take it personally at all and I want you to know that for the most part I recognize that the advice was meant to keep me honest. It was what you people honestly believed and you were not afraid to tell it to my face. I may not like all what was said, but I respect the method and what it implies about my readers: They are honest people who will not mince words to make me feel better. And that’s awesome in my book. I would do the same to every one of you, so thank you for keeping it real.

Now, let’s talk about this post for a second, ok?

The post’s title was choices, and quoting the one thing Ritzy got right in all of her “projecting” rants, it’s not about me, it’s about her. This post, to me, was about the choices that people make and how they can end up destroying them. She is that warning story, the perfect living example of the morality tale of someone who wanted something so bad that they didn’t care about the consequences and ended up losing everything because of it. Sure, she is in the shit now, but it was all by her own volition to reach that lofty aim: “To have something work out for her”, consequences be damned! She did what she set out to do, and she is still paying the price for it. End of story.

Before you all accuse me of being “heartless male” here, I want you to think about something first : Is S. , in your opinion, a good person? I have been thinking about that for a while now, and the answer, I keep getting, is “well she is not exactly bad, but no, not good”. Let’s review the specifics of the case , shall we?

1)I was 18, still in Highschool, a stupid highly emotional teenager who just got out of a highly emotional relationship. She was 2 year’s older and in college, who just got out of a relationship with someone she wanted to get married to but couldn’t.
2)We were both, in many ways, each other’s rebounds.
3)Her thinking was always “ I want something to work out for me”. Sometimes I wonder if I was just another one of her plans. And I do have good reason to think so, because…
4)…The moment she had an alternative, someone who wanted to marry her ass (she was 20, wtf was the hurry all about anyway?) she went for it, even though she knew he was a scumbag, and completely kicked me out of her life. She no longer had any use for me it seems.
5)After marrying the scumbag, and realizing that he won’t change and that marriage is probably going to shit, she decides to get pregnant in order to save it. Thus, not only placing herself to future abuse instead of walking away, she went ahead and brought a life into this world for the selfish reason of “making it work”. She didn’t care what kind of a marriage or life she would be bringing her child into, or giving her child a father that was so scummy. She didn’t care that she would be raising her kid in such an environment. All of that didn’t matter for the sake of making “her marriage work”. It of course didn’t and it all blew up in her face and now her kid has to suffer as well.

But yeah, she is the victim. Why? Single mother, divorced, coming from a bad marriage. The image just breaks your heart and whether or not she was responsible in any way doesn’t matter. It’s as ritzy says “a stinker”. Yes, blame the sandmonkey, he is the one who wasn’t a good friend. He should’ve told her what he heard.

Oh, really?

Ok, let’s think about this for a second: I heard this from the partner of my sister’s husband, who is friends with the scumbag, and an equal scumbag in measure. Yeah, I am sure he will back me up here when I go tell her. I am sure this won’t cause any problems for my brother in law. I am sure she would’ve believed me over her fiancé, and his friend’s denial of what was said. I am sure she would’ve just stopped the wedding plans based on hearsay that someone she was somewhat involved with heard by sheer coincidence from someone who will assuredly deny ever saying anything. Yeah, okay, that makes sense!

And what was the other point that made everybody so mad? Yeah, that I erased her number? Well, you know, she ahs mine as well. When you register someone’s # here, they make sure u give them a missed call so they can have ur number as well. She has mine. If she wanted to return being friends again, she could. All she would’ve to do is call. She hasn’t so far in case you are wondering.

Now, why did I erase her number?

Simple, it’s because I have a savior complex. I do. I tend to get involved and try to save people from themselves. I got 2 girls I know out of abusive relationships, I got 4 others to quit cocaine and one to quit all drugs all together. I care about people, and it’s a problem, because I tend to translate that into action and it always gets me into trouble. I ended up beating up- in self defense- this abusive boyfriend of a friend of mine who attacked me and her friend because we told him that he can’t see her after he beta the crap out of her. The police came and arrested him and everything, and she went and paid his bail. I once broke the leg of a scumbag roommate who raped this girl I knew only to find them on friendly basis 2 months later. Just 5 months ago I ended up breaking the door of the apartment of an ex-friend of mine- whom I haven’t talked to in 5 years due to his unrepentant heroin habit- who somehow felt it necessary to give me and my friend a suicide call. I take him to the hospital, save his life, and his parents come and yell at me because they think I am one of his druggie friends, instead of thanking me for saving his life. I have stories like that to fill a book, and I am sick of it.

Yes, I am sick of saving people. I am sick of saving people who can’t seem to be able to save themselves or are unwilling to help themselves. I am sick of having to deal with the consequences of other people’s sins. Not to mention, If I do start anything with her, then it would be out of pity, and that would be horrible. I have been in such a relationship before, and the person I tried to help made my life hell and almost fucked me up in the head because of the shit she did. And she did it on purpose, because the mentality was “Ohh, you think you can save me? You think you are so much better then me? I will show you!”. I am not going through this again, thank you very much, and I know I may be inclined to do so, because I tend to care too much. That’s why I had to erase that number; I am not going to be hurt again by her. Sorry, not interested!

I am not interested in picking up the pieces of the life she shattered by her own choices. I am not willing to be involved with someone who will undoubtedly punish me for her ghost of relationships past. Nor Do I particularly feel like taking the first step and going through all that trouble for someone who didn’t think twice before cutting me out of her life the moment someone more convenient came along. She chose her life, and I chose not to let the outcome of her choices affect my life. Not anymore!

Peace.

 
At 9/17/2005 04:08:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sandmonkey,
very eloquent & quite wise.
i salute you.

 
At 9/17/2005 04:13:00 AM, Blogger ritzy said...

There we go, you came to a conclusion, thus this exercise has served a purpose after all although it is obvious now (I'm a late comer to the insight) that you initially didn't seek a critical discussion but wanted us to pamper your ass. - You got plenty of that as well, I hope it balances the criticism made by me and those who agreed with what I said so you don't end up too damaged by this story. I can't speak of the rest but no, my words were not intended to make you feel worse; if that is how you feel, well, sorry, you asked and you got the answer and if it hurts to hear what you didn't want to hear it can only mean we hit the core of your worries, we will not became your favorite pets for saying it straight out but at least you've heard it.

The new thing about this post is that you've concluded that she wasn't that special to you after all. Good. Then there need not be any more fuzz about it. The way she is portrayed now, I wonder wy you spoke to her in the first place. But the story was about you, and the choices you made; the moral warning cake about a woman who are messing up her life came secondary in your first posting.

My answers were about how you could have tried to make a difference. As I said in my opening lines, no one can judge you, we are all encountering tricky situations and commenting on it years afterwards is a totally different thing from being there and also having to consider our own feelings.

It is not about blaming you for her mess as you write (alluding to a stereo-typed image of a woman in distress that naturally (?) affect our judgement). It is only about in a given situation, how would we like to have acted differently. We are not responsible for the outcome. There are too many other factors. The question is what would we liked to have contributed with.

I like to believe that we are always trying not to avoid the small efforts that can make a difference to other people. (Turn around that coin and I'm guilty of not realizing you were in need of a friendly hug and not a straight answer). It's another way of saving people, less bone-breaking althought that too is admirable.

That is why I say do to others what you want them to do to you. It is why it was about her, not you. She was the one messing up her life, your efforts would have been minimal, yet could have mattered. (Ok you have now settled it, it would not have mattered at all and only you would know). What I'm saying is that even if you thought I would not listen, even if it would disturb your relations with the guys who told you, even if our friendship would freeze, I would have wanted you to tell me that you knew my husband to be is a serial abuser of women who doesn't stop at throwing the girl carrying his baby down the stairs to end the pregnancy. A letter along the lines of "you will probably hate me for telling you this, yet I thought it so important you have to know," would have been one way to do it.

Finally, and I'm sorry for saying it because I know you rather would have me quiet: First, It's very far from the Cairo way of doing it but you could have picked up the phone and said you're sorry, I'm hurt, I do not have room for this in my life. Only because the two of you would have felt better about each other if you did. Second, if all your friends are abusing drugs and women, get yourself new company, you deserve better.

over and out, thanks for letting me take up space, looking forward to your political rants. //ritzy

 
At 9/17/2005 09:43:00 AM, Blogger thewiz said...

Wow, very deep. Hope it was cathartic. Seems ya needed to open up to someone. Strange it was strangers that you never met. Sounds like ya need a friend.

For what its worth, I once told my closest buddy his girl was cheating on him. He married he bitch and we didn't talk for twenty years. But at least I knew I had my peace.

As for the "savior syndrome" I suffer the same affliction. And it takes strenght to know when to pull back. Very difficult to watch someone ya care about sink into suffering depts.

As for "S" seems she suffers from "Beautiful Woman Syndrome" a very complex thing. One, they become spoiled adrenalin junkies. Men will do anything to be with thme from buying lots of epsenive stuff to taking them to exotic loctaions and activities to impress them. They get very spoiled, self-centered, demanding.

But what is worse is the after effects of this life style. They attract men that want them for thier beauty because it strokes their ego to have the best looking woman and to prove to all they can win her heart. Part of the attraction is the thrill of the chase. But soon they get bored with her. The chase is over so they look for another conquest.

Now the woman is rejected for another and she feels used, stupid, unloved, and even unworthy. This is why "S" says nothing ever seems to work out for her. She attracts shallow scumbags and doesn't see it.

Now she is bitter and desperate so she marries some scumbag. And makes the whole thing even worse.

Beautiful women are a mix of self-centered demanding bitches with a self-losthing, bitter losers.

My advice. . . .find an ugly woman with a good heart.

 
At 9/18/2005 08:44:00 AM, Blogger NBS said...

cheers mate that was a sweet responce. hit the nail on the head. i dont pass judgement on issues unless i know both sides of the story and after hearing you post you knowledge of what she is like, i totally agree with you

i enjoy helping people that need help, but i will not help people that dont want help, a lot of people i am around are screwed on drugs, you can see who really wants help and those ones who just cry out so that they dont miss out on any of the attention, which i find sad and therefor confirms that they are brainless fucks who dont deserve one second of my time or thoughts.

unless you are blind one night and you see her out and you can get an easy screw from her, i would stay away from her, even if she called i wouldnt answer, or just straight up say fuck off. she fucked her life, has a kid, sounds poor, and looks like shit now, people have to take responsibily for their actions and bitches that think that the pussy power is always there, is feels 200% better to tell them to fuck off :)

 
At 9/18/2005 12:01:00 PM, Blogger programmer craig said...

Yes, I can see how you like to help people, NBS :o

I get the impression SM actually likes women though.

 

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