Carlinism of the day: Drink Up!
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here are a few I would suggest: "Warning: Alcohol consumption may cause pregnancy!" "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was." "Drinking will significantly improve your chances of killing a loved one." "Men: When emptying your pockets after a night of using this product, you may come across a human finger, a wad of Turkish money and a snapshot of a naked ex-convict named Dogmeat. The Photo will be inscribed: "To Dave, my new old lady." "Women: Drink enough of this and you will spend the rest of your life raising malnoruished children in a rusting trailer with a man who sleeps all day. Except for the rapes."