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Rantings of a Sandmonkey

Be forewarned: The writer of this blog is an extremely cynical, snarky, pro-US, secular, libertarian, disgruntled sandmonkey. If this is your cup of tea, please enjoy your stay here. If not, please sod off

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Title Fight

The War over Christmass is on and what a vicious battle it is. It's the old Jolly Fat man from the Northpole vs. the young crucified skinny man from Nazareth. It's the Christmass spirit vs. the Holy spirit. Who is going to win and lay claim to christmas? Well.. according to Reason magazine, Santa is winning, and he is far more dangerous then you may think. You don't believe me? Read this: The conventional view of Santa Claus posits a centralized operation run by a bearded fanatic in an undisclosed Arctic location. His agents are everywhere, and this spy ring provides the raw data that allow him to calculate the details of each year's mission. He then enters America illegally, plants packages in homes around the country, and returns to his base, from which he issues occasional communiqués urging peace, good will, and our presence at various post-Christmas sales. Certain improbabilities in this account have inspired a revisionist take on the topic, in which Santa is either a figurehead dependent on a decentralized network of "helpers" or -- according to more radical scholars -- does not exist at all. (While this might seem to contradict the visual evidence of Santa's appearances on video and eyewitness accounts placing him in shopping malls around the country, forensic analysis suggests that these Clauses are not, in fact, the same person.) The revisionists offer a darker view, in which activities attributed in the media to Santa Claus are actually accomplished by local loyalists operating with little or no centralized direction. Even if Santa were splattered across a cave in Tora Bora, they argue, his minions would continue to act in his name. But everyone, traditionalist or revisionist, agrees that Santa is struggling with Jesus for control of Christmas. What might not be as obvious is that this is the year -- in the U.S., anyway -- that Santa finally won. Poor Jesus. First he gets crucified, and now his birthday is taken from him by old man who does nothing but stalk and watch children all the freakin time. It's just not right!


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