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Rantings of a Sandmonkey

Be forewarned: The writer of this blog is an extremely cynical, snarky, pro-US, secular, libertarian, disgruntled sandmonkey. If this is your cup of tea, please enjoy your stay here. If not, please sod off

Thursday, January 06, 2005

The 7 rules of the A.P.U.!

On yesterday post Jeffery left me a comment describing a phenomenon he noticed over the past 3 years of viewing middle-eastern news, something he referred to as the A.P.U., the Arab Parallel Universe. This universe was created by Arabs to explain to themselves why they are in the rut they have been for so long, while also glorifying their personal victories against a world that is always conspiring against them. In the A.P.U. events that happen in our real universe also occur, except that the fashion of their occurrence and their outcome are very different then what we- in the real universe-know them to be. It amazed me that he came to that conclusion, since it brilliantly summed up something that I have been trying to describe for years. I immediately told all my family and friends about it and upon their realization that we are all citizens of the A.P.U., they started giving me examples and evidence of that geographic phenomenon. In this post I will try to explain some of the rules of the A.P.U., and list examples of them for the sake of explaining to the rest of the world the rules of our very fun parallel Universe. Now, the first thing you have to realize about the APU that its outlook on its history is dependent on the fact that Arabs are never at fault. That’s APU’s rule#1 : Arabs never make mistakes, and they rarely lose wars. In the APU, the British didn’t leave the Middle East cause they could no longer keep the empire after WWII; the Arabs kicked the British out. In the APU, Egypt won the 56 and 73 wars, without any help or intervention for seize fire by the USA. And since we are on the topic, Egypt only lost the 1967 war because the Jews surprise-attacked us when we weren’t prepared. We only had our troops in Sinai and were talking about driving Israel into the Dead Sea as a form of muscle stretching. We were only kidding about invading them and they used it as an excuse to attack and invade us. Those damn Jewish Zionist snakes. Now, speaking of the Zionists brings us to APU Rule # 2: The Zionists and the Americans are always to blame for everything that is wrong in the APU. Drug use rise in Egypt? Israel is shipping drugs free to Egypt to destroy our naïve helpless youth! STD levels rising? STD & HIV infected Israelis moussad girls who come here to infect our virile Egyptian men with AIDS are to blame. The Egypt air plane that captain Batouty committed suicide with and plunged in the ocean? The Americans shot it down. Or the Zionists. The plane had 13 trained apache helicopter pilots and u know how those 13 men are all we need to liberate Palestine. So the Zionists had to bring down the plane rather then risk giving us the great strategic advantage of having 13 apache helicopter pilots. History books that contradict our version of reality? Zionist and American ploys to undermine our heritage and history and historical leaders. 911? Everyone knows that it was the moussad and the Bushies who planned the whole thing; especially with the 3000 Jews that didn’t show up for work that day at the WTC towers. Although we wouldn’t be surprised if it was Arabs, because the planning and execution was so flawless. Which brings us APU rule #3: If there is any credit at all that can be contributed to Arabs in any way, they will take it. Even though this whole 911 thing was a jewish conspiracy anyway, if it turned out that arabs were behind it, then u have to admit that it was greatly planned and flawlessly executed and that its good to give America a lesson every now and then. They had it coming anyway with all their plotting against us. Hopefully the jews are next! This brings us to rule #4: Good leadership is inversely related to how US-friendly a leader is! As a leader in the APU, it doesn’t matter what you do or how bad you messed up; As long as you “stand up” against the USA and its controller Israel then you are a good leader. Using this mentality, it’s easy to see why Sadat was the worst Egyptian leader ever, how Saddam is a great arab leader, a resistance hero and a symbol against US imperialism and how Gamal Abdel Nasser is the greatest president/ leader/ diplomat that ever lived/blessed this part of the world. It doesn’t matter that his nationalization of private property and socialistic economic policies ruined the Egyptian economy and that every war he waged ended in sounding defeat. The man stood up to the Americans and the Israelis, and that’s why he is the best leader ever! Rule # 4 explains why the current Egyptian president makes all the public sounds to show that he is standing up against Israel for the poor Palestinians. It’s why he never visited Israel during his 23+ years tenure as Egyptian president-unlike the traitor dog Sadat- and why he keeps recalling the Egyptian ambassador from Israel every time the Palestinians attack Israelis and then the Israelis get uppity and attack back. It is also imperative to understand that in the APU Egypt no longer negotiates with Israel, no matter what you may have heard elsewhere. For example, the exchange of the 6 Egyptian soldiers that were arrested for plotting terrorist attacks in Israel for the Israeli spy Azzam Azzam was not really negotiated nor did Mubarak strike a deal with Sharon in any way. It was just a coincidence that they were released at the same time in the same location. Actually, as the speaker for the Egyptian president explained: “Azzam was supposed to be released 6 months ago, but we decided not to give him back to Israel until they gave us back our 6 students. The president made that abundantly clear to them”! See, we were smarter then the Jews there, we actually tricked them! But remember, there was no deal of any kind, no matter what you may have heard in the lying media. This in turn brings us to the APU rule # 5: Any media that is not the official state-owned media is filled with Zionist, Jewish, American, Christian, imperialist, anti-arab influences and they LIE ALL THE TIME! If you want the unaltered truth and honest reporting, watch the official state-owned media. They have no agenda what so ever! Waffa Constantine’s story you say? What story? Christians are shown demonstrating on every channel except on the Egyptian state-owned channels? There were no Christian demonstrators in the streets. It’s all a vicious lie and rumor to hurt the incredibly strong Christian-Muslim relationship in Egypt, which is strong as ever by the way, and getting stronger every day. Strong, that’s a word we like to use when we describe it. To demonstrate it’s strength, the egyptian state-owned newspapers reported that Father Shenooda , in a meeting he did not attend by the way, thanked the Egyptian president for helping resolve the Waffa Constantine’s misunderstanding and anything else u may have heard about Shenooda never thanking Mubarak and about him getting so upset that he ended up secluding himself in a monestary is a lie. Just like the demonstrations against another Mubarak term. There are no demonstrations against Mubarak. What? CNN showed it? Those lying Jewish, Zionist, imperialist American dogs. They just want to foster division and doubt. We all know that all Egyptians want nothing but for Mubarak to stay president for life. And this, in turn, brings us to the APU rule #6: There is really no need for elections in the APU, because Presidents and rulers are presidents and rulers for life. The people like it this way, because people like their “leadership” and the “stability” they bring to the country. But since we are all democracies, we have elections anyway. In the Egyptian democratic elections, for example, u have the choice between voting yes for Mubarak and voting no for Mubarak, which would mean if he gets a 100% no vote, he would still win cause he is the only one running. Hey, at least it’s better and a less confusing system then Libya’s direct democracy, which Ghadafi’s Son and future Libyan president explains here! And this finally brings us to the 7th and final APU political rule: The only viable alternative candidate to the current leader or president is this current leader or president’s son. The perfect example of which resides in Syria and an other example -God willing- will exist in Egypt in the near future. This rule is supported and stems from the fact that those presidents and leaders are chosen by god and have superior genetic material and intellect that only male members of their direct lineage may possess. Plus, Arabs really like dynasties and ruling families. It’s because Arabs are all really like a big family. Sure they may disagree, squabble or even kill each other, but what family doesn’t? Plus, it makes it a lot easier for our future leaders to relate to each other, since they all will experience and share the same struggle of being born into power. This can only help make relations between the countries stronger and lead to a more unified and prosperous APU. So, in summary and conclusion, the 7 political rules of the APU are: 1) Arabs never make mistakes, and they rarely lose wars. 2) The Zionists and the Americans are always to blame for everything that is wrong in the APU. 3) If there is any credit at all that can be contributed to Arabs in any way, they will take it. 4) Good leadership is inversely related to how US-friendly a leader is! 5) Any media that is not the official state-owned media is filled with Zionist, Jewish, American, Christian, imperialist, anti-arab influences and they LIE ALL THE TIME! 6) There is really no need for elections in the APU, because Presidents and rulers are presidents and rulers for life. 7) The only viable alternative candidate to the current leader or president is this current leader or president’s son. Hope that helped explain some of the confusing discrepancies that you may encounter from having those 2 parallel universes existing in the same reality. Mind you, those are only the political rules. There are other rules concerning economics , social traditions and norms, but those will be covered in future posts. This is the Sandmonkey, from the APU, signing off!


At 1/06/2005 07:22:00 AM, Blogger Tina said...

Well, I guess it makes life simple as long as you don't have any hopes or dreams.

At 1/06/2005 07:46:00 AM, Blogger The Sandmonkey said...

Tina, hopes and dreams do not exist in the A.P.U.
They are crazy zionist jewish american imperialist capitalist notions that endanger the public wellfare and threatens our social, political, cutlural and societal unity! Not to mention, we are big fans of reality in the A.P.U. and hopes and dreams are nothing but a waste of time and should be considerd a danger to our collective future and a threat to our leaders vision of sucking the life out of their supportive, loyal, not-at-all-disgrunteld people! And anything else you may have heard anywhere else is a lie spread by zionist and american liars to justify their imperialistic agenda!

At 1/06/2005 08:17:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


You've just published the best ROAD MAP of the APU!

Now I can actually see where we're going!


Hey, one of the many, many LEADING FIGURES in the APU has to be the NON-STOP FREAK SHOW who also goes by the name Moammar Ghaddafi!

Hey Sam, you gotta check out CMAR II's posts on Ghaddafi and his Hot-Chick Posse. I just looked at them again and they effing fantastic.

Oh yeah, and you'll love this from CMAR II.

Did you read Ghaddafi's latest rambling statements?

They read like an APU MANIFESTO!

And yes, you are right to link to his son's like-father/like-son twisted, mindbending thoughts on "direct democracy." APU in high gear, I would say.

You might be right, Sandmonkey. After putting on our APU SUNGLASSES, we can see RIGHT THROUGH anything!

Hey, she's wearing T-panties!!

Oh, the POWER! The POWER!

Boys, boys, stop pushing! Everyone will get a chance to wear them.

Sam, we're gonna be millionaires!


At 1/06/2005 09:49:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks SandMonkey! It all makes sense to me now! A.P.U.!!! It's like the Twilight Zone over the Middle East....... I can sleep better tonight knowing about the APU..

Great blog by the way!

At 1/06/2005 10:06:00 AM, Blogger Papa Ray said...


I just figured out that you guys nailed it and I just don't like it one bit. It took me several years to figure out what you two seem to have done in a few short months.

Oh..well, us ol'uns grey matter is just too slow for you young'uns.


You left out the secret, insidious plot to use sex and porno to undermine and destroy them. You need to do a essay on the ramificatons and retributions of that.

By the way, don't look at that porno link it is too awful to describe and might just ruin your life.

Looking forward to it.

This is my post

Papa Ray
West Texas

At 1/06/2005 01:30:00 PM, Blogger The Sandmonkey said...

It's why i am here marie! It's why i am here!

sleep tight now!

At 1/06/2005 04:53:00 PM, Blogger kender said...

O.K......after checking on Gad-Daffys' body guards I have concluded that in one respect he has a great idea. If I felt I needed body guards I too may get a bevy of hot women to parade around with me.

But mine would be in much more revealing clothing.....it's a completely innocent tactic mind you, distract the guys that want to kill you, (yeah...that's why you put them in bikinis). It's not like I'm some over-sexualized perv that wants alot of gorgeous scantily clad women running around with me.

It's just tactics, that's all.

At 1/08/2005 04:28:00 PM, Blogger DeeLiciouS said...

Hey check this out if u havent already, it's about ur blog.

And about ur blog, i gotta admit it IS pretty good (this coming from a fellow egyptian who believes in her country and wants to do something about it someday) and sadly for the most part, I'll have to strongly agree.

My only comment though would be this; you made it sound like all the Arabs live in the 'A.P.U'.
That's not true u know..

At 1/09/2005 03:48:00 AM, Blogger The Sandmonkey said...

Deelicious, what do u mean by that?

At 1/09/2005 08:49:00 AM, Blogger DeeLiciouS said...

That, while the 7 rules do apply to many arabs. They don't apply to ALL arabs.

Rules #1 & #2 are SO true. It's sad.

Hey..you heard about Nawal El Saadawy nominating herself as a candidate for the Egyptian Presidency ?

At 1/09/2005 01:10:00 PM, Blogger The Sandmonkey said...

Yeah, but its kind of a moot point cause in order to run two thirds of the parliment has to approve of her as a candidate. That will unfortunately never will happen cause the egyptian constitution states that whoever is president can disband the parliment and send all those bottomfeeders home. So yeah, not gonna happen!
Saad eldeen ibrahim is also nominating himself on the "not a fat chance in hell" ticket!
But yeah, heard about her running. What about it?

At 1/09/2005 01:20:00 PM, Blogger The Sandmonkey said...

What i meant wa sthat the APU rules apply to the political institutions of the arab countries. It's how things are run and how we are told to accept things. The fact that it doesn't fly by some arabs is indicative that some of us do have brains is all!

At 1/09/2005 03:40:00 PM, Blogger DeeLiciouS said...

It was just big news to me at the time (Dr.Saadawi) and i was telling everyone about it assuming they didn;t know. Turned out i was the last to know. *blush*

At 4/18/2005 09:16:00 PM, Blogger SC&A said...

This is brilliant! Well done! Sadly, though, in the end it won't be the politicians that pay for the stupidity- it will be another generation of Arab citizens- screwed once more, by their own- and carrying the baggage of that screwing, unaware.

At 4/24/2005 09:53:00 AM, Blogger Tom Dilatush said...

Thanks, SandMonkey, for a great laugh to go along with the serious points. Keep this up and you'll be competing with Mark Steyn! I've linked to your post at my blog.

At 4/30/2005 01:53:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you assume that those who are capable of assasinating you are only straight men who will be distracted by your bikini female guards. No women assassins, and no gay men assasins. What kind of thinking is that???

At 1/01/2006 08:11:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

APU is an excellent psychoanalysis of the Arabs problems that is all due to the religion.

At 3/01/2006 09:11:00 AM, Blogger K-2 said...

Man, I feel so related to this post: change Arab Parallel Universe for Latinoamerican Parallel Universe, and you get almost the same. And I thought we were then land of Magical Realism!

At 3/07/2006 11:52:00 PM, Blogger Molly Johnson said...

picture of zoroastrianism
Declaration of Heaven on Earth!
picture of zoroastrianism
Please chant this prayer to recieve heaven on earth:
picture of zoroastrianism
Dearest, greatest, holiest!
Please give us all, the full heaven on earth!
I thank you, & I worship you.
picture of zoroastrianism

At 8/05/2006 04:26:00 AM, Blogger Robert said...

Why is the Sandmonkey simply repeating the teachings of the Koran? The only difference I can see is that the Koran applies to all Muslims, not just Arabs.

At 9/03/2006 09:33:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks Sandmonkey,

I think the collective American Right just bust a nut and continued their ongoing intellectual nap.


In all seriousness though, change the words a bit and you've got 7 rules for the "other side."


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