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Rantings of a Sandmonkey

Be forewarned: The writer of this blog is an extremely cynical, snarky, pro-US, secular, libertarian, disgruntled sandmonkey. If this is your cup of tea, please enjoy your stay here. If not, please sod off

Friday, December 31, 2004

The Bill Maher Anti-Terrorism soloution!

I always liked Bill Maher and i used to watch his show every friday on HBo back when i used to live in Beantown. He once came up with what i thought was a brilliant soloution to stop terrorism in the "New Rules" segment in this episode, and i decided to share it with y'all! Here it is: If we really want to stop terrorism, we have to get Muslim men laid. Five British Muslims who were recently sent home from our prison at Guantanamo, charge that their American captors brought in prostitutes to taunt them, because most had never even seen a naked woman before. And it made me wonder how many members of Al Qaeda have even dated a girl? We should hire women to infiltrate Al Qaeda cells and fuck them. Things would change quickly because young Muslim men don't really hate America. They're jealous of America. We have rap videos and the Hilton sisters and magazines with titles like Barely Legal. You know what's "barely legal" in Afghanistan? Everything! Young men need sex, and if they don't get it for month and after month after month, they wind up cursing the day they ever decided to go to Cornell. Have you ever wondered why the word from the Arab street is always so angry? It's because it's a bunch of guys standing in the street! Which is what guys do when they don't have girlfriends, when they're not allowed to even talk to a girl. Of course they want to commit suicide! Unlike this country where it's the married guys who want to kill themselves. But here we always have hope. You can at least talk to a girl. And one might be crazy enough to go for you. Or you could get rich and buy one, like people do in Beverly Hills. But the connection between no sex and anger is real. It's why prizefighters stay celibate when they're in training, so that on fight night, they're pissed off and ready to kill. It's why football players don't have sex after Wednesday. And conversely, it's why Bill Clinton never started a war. And so, to paraphrase the sign in Mr. Clinton's old war room, "It's the pussy, stupid." We need the Coalition of the Willing to be really willing! We need to mobilize two divisions of skanks, a regiment of hoe's, and a brigade of girls who just can't say no. All under the command of Col. Ann Coulter , who will be dressed in her "Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS" uniform. Forget the Peace Corps. We need a "Piece of Ass Corps"! Girls, there's a cure to terrorism, and you're sitting on it! I know i am for it! :) Ohh yeah, and since i am here and this is my last post for today, i wish you all a happy new year! See ya next year!


At 12/31/2004 11:01:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You still have not answered my question about whether or not you have ever been in the USA. Massachussets does not count! It is a small area of depravity and iniquity that is in close physical proximity to the United States. I am encouraged by your use of the American term "y'all". This form is not used by the Satanic residents of Boston, but is commonly employed in the healthy parts of the Greatest Country on Earth.

Happy New Year, even though as an admitted Arab you don't deserve it.

At 12/31/2004 01:31:00 PM, Blogger AlanK said...

Hi sandmonkey

just found your blog from jefferys, some good posts esp this one, best funblog Ive found since muttawa blog

shall be adding a link to it


At 12/31/2004 01:48:00 PM, Blogger Louise said...

Sandmonkey, I can see a meteoric rise to at least 15 minutes of fame for you in the near future. Hopefully it will last much, much longer and bring about a much needed revolution in your patch of the globe's turf. Wouldn't it be wonderful if all the "towelheads, arabiacs, A-Rabs, Rags, sandnegros, cameljockeys, Turbanheads and a Hasn't-Been-Laidens (and their counterparts in other religious persuasions) could get down once in a while, they way you do all the time. If we could just get all the lefties, anti-war, anti-Bush, anti-everything under the suns and aunty Martha to boogie with y'all, the world would be at peace.

At 12/31/2004 02:31:00 PM, Blogger Mike SC USA said...

Yeah! HAPPY NEW YEAR to you too.

Your answers to my questions were satisfyingly snarky enough. Well, at least 4 of "you" is a good start. I'm sure Mummy loves you too*, but how about "monkey business", any plans in '05 or are you still scoping the place out? You should be ripe for the pickin' with all the double entendre written into your posts—too funny. You and Jim Lileks must know each other. Just how much trouble can you get into in Egypt with sex, alcohol and rock ‘n’ roll? I know, we’re a noisy bunch, aren’t we?

Sandmonkey, indeed.

*Sorry everyone. I could help myself on that one, I've fallen into the whiskey too soon....

At 12/31/2004 04:34:00 PM, Blogger USAgrannyPajamahadeen said...

Wonderful! A new cyber friend I hope.

Ya know you and Bill Maher may have something there.
Though as an old codger and granny person, I should threaten to take you out back to the wood shed for a strappin' with a Willow stick. But I think I will laugh and enjoy your blog instead.

Happy New Year to you!

At 12/31/2004 04:56:00 PM, Blogger Kat said...

Happy New Year to the new guy on the block! Damned good to see you. I think you might have even raised the realestate value of this blog world. ;)

Jeff's a good guy and that's where I found you. I'll be looking for some regular updates from the land of pyramids and pyros.

Now, go get laid! LOL

Er...Happy New Year!

At 12/31/2004 07:45:00 PM, Blogger Leap Frog said...

Hey Sandmonkey! Happy New Year to you too!

Cool, another excellent blog writer!

It's like getting a present, thanks.

At 12/31/2004 09:11:00 PM, Blogger Eric Wilner said...

A most excellent and enlightened collection of rants so far! I look forward to many more of such.

Happy New Year! (Counting down... 2 hours 49 minutes to go, here in California.)

At 12/31/2004 10:34:00 PM, Blogger Jeffrey said...

Happy New Year!

Sandmonkey, the Bill Maher excerpts were very fine.

I just got back from my local bar and my especial combination of Scotch and beer has made this simple comment a bit of an adventure. I better get off now while my fingers still know the keys.


At 1/01/2005 08:17:00 AM, Blogger snackpack said...

Great minds really do think alike, or more to the point, think like me.

I've often thought that the key to this whole mess is sex - the total lack of it - bad, good or indifferent, those men need to get laid.

Hopefully, our CIA will see the light soon and start a new office, "Homeland Sexuality", only recruiting drop-dead gorgeous babes (Arab I suppose) who could then seduce and infilitrate the enemy. They (the CIA) could use old James Bond movies as training films.

At 1/02/2005 12:46:00 AM, Blogger The Sandmonkey said...

Can be the Secretary of that department? I know what to do to make it all work. And trust me, you wanna get those guys, you give them some white women. They have the arab ones here and as you can see, they are not working!

I am thinking about importing some from Russia- u know, from those order a bride websites- and some from Brazil, u know, cause they sure know how to breed hotness there. Altough for Osama, i am sure to special order some girls infected with some serious syphilis, you know? Or maybe leprosy. Something that would make his bits fall off. That sounds proper! Don't you think?

At 1/02/2005 11:56:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

thats hillarious, great blog too,

guest, in the bahamas ..

At 1/08/2005 01:35:00 PM, Blogger Cecil R. said...

From Cecil R. to Sand Monkey
I spent 3 ½ years working in Egypt so I know the people fairly well. So do not knock the Egyptian until you have been there. The guy who made the comment about Egypt (Mile SC USA) has obviously never been there. Many Egyptian have an excellent sense of humor and can poke fun at themselves with the best of us. Man they have some of the best belly dancers anywhere. Many are very progressive and they are the Engineers/Technical people of the Arab world. Another little known fact is ¼ of the Egyptians are Christians.

I fell in love with two Egyptian girls (Rasha 7 and Rania 4) when I visited a small village in the Nile Delta region. In Egypt when you visit someone (even a store) you are offered drink and food (Coffee, tea, cokes and small cookie type food) and you talk first, no business until the pleasantries are done first. In the three days I was there I must have visited 97% of the homes, 99% of the businesses and all of the local government offices. Well, I drank enough coffee/tea to float a fair sized boat and ate enough of those small cookies to sink it. When I left the village to go to the train station (approx. one mile from the village) with the family I was visiting, I was shocked to see more than 5000 people had followed us or were already at the station. When I asked if there was some kind of Political big shot coming in on the train I was told “No, Mr. Cecil these are the people who met you and the come to say goodbye to you”. These are not stupid dumb ragheads, the majority of them are good people


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