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Rantings of a Sandmonkey

Be forewarned: The writer of this blog is an extremely cynical, snarky, pro-US, secular, libertarian, disgruntled sandmonkey. If this is your cup of tea, please enjoy your stay here. If not, please sod off

Thursday, April 07, 2005

End of Days PSA

Ladies and Gentlemen, As you know, the offices of Sandmonkey news Inc. are located in the middle east, which gives us the advantage of being close to the area the allmighty chose as the spot for where the world will end ( which is concindently where his 3 major religions came from), so you can say we got good seats and can notice things your run of the mill news agency can't. We, therefore, feel that it is our moral obligation to warn you that we have strong data suggesting that the end of the world is near. We therefore advice y'all to get some religion and get down with the G.O.D. A.S.A.P. , or Armageddon might catch you by surprise. What strong data we talking about you may wonder? Well, where do we start? There is so much evidence! Well, A Bush did win the re-election, despite all the money, effort, Hollywood stars, Rock concerts, George Soros, propganada and hype thrown at him by the Democrats ( who, for the most part, think the world ended Novermber 2nd). The druze, christian and Sunni Lebanese have cast aside all of their differences and joined forces in spontanious protests against the syrian occupation that got so massive that they dwarved the syrian staged one. We have had Iraqis protesting, not against the occupation, not against Israel, but actually against Terrorism. We have democratic protests by secularists and the MB in Egypt, with the constitution getting ammended to allow for a mutli-candidate presidential election. We have Osama Bin Ladin's picture on a piece of toast sold on Ebay! And last but not least, the iraqis had free elections, and Iraq has a new President who happens to be a Kurd, while Sadam is sitting in jail. And did we mention that the Red Sox won the world series and that Hillary Clinton prays now? Yes, gentle readers, we are afraid that it is true. That the world as we know it is coming to an end soon and even the Boondocks seem to agree. We therefore advice you to hug all of your loved ones, forgive those who have tresspassed against you, and destroy as many Ashlee Simpson, Ricky Martin and Celine Dione CD's as possible, cause God hates those 3 bastards and will take away 5 sins for each CD destroyed. God also hates Justin Timberlake, R.Kelly, Britney Spears, the Backstreet Boys, Limp Bizkit, Kelly Osbourne, all the rappers who thank him for winning awards for songs about rolling spliffs, slapping hoes, smokin niggaas and smacking Bitches( with the exception of Eminem-GOD loves "The real slim shady") and all the actresses turned singers- and yes that includes J.LO. He however will only take away 3 sins for each CD destroyed, cause even though all the previously mentioed are bad, he really wants you to focus on Ashlee Simpson, Ricky Martin and Celine Dione. We should also note that contrary to popular beliefs, God doesn't want you to destroy William Hung or Paris Hilton CD's, because their release is actually part of God's plan: He wanted you to know what Music in Hell sounds like. The same phenomenon if applied to the Movie industry should explain to you the preplexing on-going Movie careers of Robin Williams, Ben Affleck, Colin Farrell, Jet-LI and Steven Seagall; their movies get played nonstop in Hell and you have to watch. That phenomenon, however, doesn't explain the careers of Luke or Owen Wilson and neither can God, altough there is serious evidence that Satan might be responsible for it ( Blue Streak & Shanghai Noon anyone?How about Shanghai Knights?), so don't watch their movies just to be on the safe side. That is all folks. We wish you all a lovely Apocalypse.

2 Comments:

At 4/07/2005 05:17:00 AM, Blogger Ahmad said...

Another sign: Syria is changing the name of the Arab Socialist Baath Party to the Democratic Part!

 
At 4/07/2005 07:38:00 AM, Blogger The Sandmonkey said...

LOL

So they are getting rid of the Baath word and its stigma?

I dunno how we missed that one. My bad.

Thanks Ahmad!

 

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