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Rantings of a Sandmonkey

Be forewarned: The writer of this blog is an extremely cynical, snarky, pro-US, secular, libertarian, disgruntled sandmonkey. If this is your cup of tea, please enjoy your stay here. If not, please sod off

Friday, May 06, 2005

Private Post: Remember that feeling?

You met her a few months ago, and somehow she managed to seep into your subconscious like that "Suga how you get so fly" song. Just like you have no clue who the hell sings it, you don't know why she's there. But she is, whether you like it or not. You know her cell phone, her room phone. You can dial her Aunt Doreen's house in West Springfield (where she goes to do her laundry every two weeks) faster than you can peck-out 911. But she doesn't know. Her screenname, that generic one with her first name followed by three to five random numbers or NU, has its own category at the top of your buddy list. Not only do you know what a "Buddy Alert" is, you've rigged your computer to play "Hey Mama" by Black Eyed Peas every time her screen name changes from gray to black. Then her away message comes down, and you have a decision to make. To IM or not to IM? These are the ridiculous games that you play on a daily basis. But she doesn't know. She's it. All right, so maybe not "it" it. Not necessarily Ms. Right, but closer to Ms. Right-up-there-with-Jessica-Alba-and-Angelina-Jolie-on-your-list-of-people-you'd-give-anything-to-be-stranded-with-on-a-broken-down-elevator. But it's about more than that. When is it ever about more than that? Never. Not like frilly white dress, overpriced catering, embarrassing drunk in-laws more, but closer to NU sweatpants, two D.P. Dough Roni Zonies, a futon and a movie you have no interest in seeing more. But she doesn't know. She's gorgeous, but gorgeous is an understatement. More like you're startled every time you see her because you notice something new in a "Where's Waldo" sort of way. More like you can't stop writing third grade run-on sentences because you can't remotely begin to describe something ... someone ... so inherently amazing. But you're a writer. You can describe anything. That's what you do: pictures to words, events to words, words to even better words. But nothing seems right. More like you're afraid that if you stare at her for too long, you'll prove your parents right: that yes, your face will stick that way. But you wouldn't mind. You wouldn't mind that the questioning, "Hello?" on the other end makes you want to smile and throw up at the same time. You wouldn't mind worrying about what to get her for her birthday and spending $300 when you only have $17.50 and a Triple-A card to your name. You wouldn't mind that she left your TV on and the blaring infomercials wake you up at 4 a.m. ... because it gives you a chance to watch her sleep. You don't mind that you've slipped up twice when you were hammered and hinted at how you feel, but she was too drunk to remember. So she doesn't know. Sure, she's pretty, but it's about more than that. You two connect. Anything you throw at her, she can throw right back. You figured out what's going on in that predictable head of hers in under five minutes, but something tells you her heart would take about five years. You remember everything she's ever said to you, and when that freaks her out you blame it on your photographic memory (which is a lie, you have a 2.7 GPA). You can't remember your teaching assistant's name, and you can't remember that your Puffton rent check was due four days ago, yet you remember the middle name of the kid who tripped her in fifth grade and gave her that cute little scar on her shoulder. Maybe it's because you actually listen when she talks. When do you actually listen? Never. But she doesn't know. But she has a boyfriend. The kid is a tool, and you are not. He has no redeeming qualities, and you have about 38, even when you're hung over. You could kick his butt, and you've never been in a fight in your life. He treats her like crap, and you would treat her like the princess she believed herself to be on Halloween in 1988. But she loves him. He wouldn't know what he had even if she slapped him across the face and dumped him, but somehow she still loves him. And somehow she still doesn't know. Then, out of nowhere, she slaps him across the face and dumps him. She comes to you. You've been there before, so you seem like the smartest guy on earth. She cries, but your corny half-joke, half-compliment somehow gets a smile out of her that almost makes you feel ashamed that you're the only one around who gets to witness it. It looks like you might make her realize that all guys don't deserve to have rocks thrown at them. But nothing changes. She doesn't know. You get that library elevator feeling in your stomach that she'll never know. You get that feeling that you'll be forced to write a cheesy entery about her that makes "Sleepless in Seattle" look like "Girls Gone Wild." You go to sleep. You wake up. She doesn't know. You're not in love. You're not obsessed. You blame it on the fact that you just need to get some, but still, it's about more than that. It would just be nice if once in your life, things worked out the way you wanted them to. So ___________, it's about time you know*. Now cut this out, fill in her name, and give it to her, coward. Just let me know how it works out.

32 Comments:

At 5/06/2005 05:49:00 AM, Blogger Josie said...

I'm I supposed to comment on a private post? Oh well... I just gotta say... that was beautiful, man.

 
At 5/06/2005 06:42:00 AM, Anonymous Highlander said...

Sandmonkey, it's ok man it happens to all of us. I think that letting the person know right away is the best thing always, saves a lot on heartache and lost time, plus the other person may love you and think that you don't..a really vicious circle that we want to get out off . In love you should throw pride out of the window- needs guts I agree with you.

 
At 5/06/2005 07:06:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was going to tell you what a jerk I thought you were, but this post is just so lovely....so sweet...I see I'll have to re-think my first impression. Doesn't love feel like toppling off a cliff?





M

 
At 5/06/2005 07:38:00 AM, Anonymous Sara said...

This is the most romantic, adorable post I've ever read. I had no idea men could feel this way and I must say: it comes as a welcome surprise!

 
At 5/06/2005 07:47:00 AM, Blogger Twosret said...

Thank you Thank you Sandmonkey :) I'm blushing LOL!

 
At 5/06/2005 08:32:00 AM, Anonymous highlander said...

Twosret & I thought that post was for me ;) LOL

 
At 5/06/2005 09:13:00 AM, Blogger Josie said...

Oh no, highlander & Twosret... this post was for ME!! I can't believe you didn't realize that, foolish, silly girls.

;)

 
At 5/06/2005 09:43:00 AM, Blogger Twosret said...

Oh Lord look at the two women above me :). They can't even let me enjoy a one post by Sandmonkey that we don't disagree on.

Highlander, you got your share on that Interview. Josie, look at your name on his links.

Now this post is for ME butt off you two will ya! Let us just hope hubby is not reading otherwise Sanmonkey will have to adopt my kids heheheeeee

 
At 5/06/2005 10:19:00 AM, Anonymous highlander said...

Sandmonkey ..look what you've done .

 
At 5/06/2005 12:22:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

sam, you have to go for it. there aren't alot of people you are gonna feel like that about in one lifetime.

bodhi in canada

 
At 5/06/2005 01:20:00 PM, Blogger Josie said...

Cat fight! Rowr!

LOL

 
At 5/06/2005 04:43:00 PM, Blogger J. Francis Lehman said...

Step One: Banish your inner wussy to the ninth plane of Hell.
Step Two: Tell her how you feel.

If you don't do step one first, she's liable to give you the "just be friends" crapola.

 
At 5/06/2005 04:56:00 PM, Blogger Twosret said...

Josie,

Talking about Cat have you seen Kat? she might want to be number 4 so Sam won't have any -------- open LOL!

T

 
At 5/06/2005 10:54:00 PM, Anonymous Sara said...

Alright, I admit it:

I have checked in all night to find out what happened... I have officially become a yenta.

 
At 5/07/2005 03:28:00 AM, Blogger The Sandmonkey said...

To M, why am i a jerk again?

To Sara, thanks for the compliment. You shouldn't write off men like that. Most of us would surprise you. And btw, there ain't nothing wrong about being a Yenta? ;)

Highlander, Josie, and Twosret: Easy girls, easy, altoiugh i can;t say i am not loving the catfight!Hehehe. No need to fight though really, there is enough sandmonkey loving to go around. :)

 
At 5/07/2005 09:25:00 AM, Anonymous Brenda said...

Tell her. Always always always tell the person. It's my motto and I've never regretted it.

 
At 5/07/2005 10:50:00 AM, Anonymous Sara said...

Sandmonkey,

Will you tell us the outcome, if there is one? If she sees this and doesn't just melt, she's inhuman (just my opinion).


yenta,
(U.S. Slang.) a female gossip or busybody.

 
At 5/07/2005 12:25:00 PM, Blogger gatorbait said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 5/07/2005 12:25:00 PM, Blogger gatorbait said...

Sam,if you get your pick made, toss me the leftovers. ok? I trust your tastes in the women folk.

 
At 5/07/2005 01:24:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

To M, why am i a jerk again?

I take it back-- anyone with such a poetic soul can be forgiven for being a libertarian :)

Like Sara, I'm hoping you'll share more details--please!

M

 
At 5/07/2005 01:47:00 PM, Anonymous Highlander said...

Folks!I ALREADY melted ;)

 
At 5/07/2005 03:15:00 PM, Anonymous Karen said...

Tell the truth, Sandmonkey.

This is just a clever way to hook a bunch of nosy romance-starved girls...And yeah, you pulled me in hook, line and sinker ;)

True story:
Yesterday morning I overheard my roomie's boyfriend saying: "For God's sake the guy's a writer, of course I feel that way about you."

He has since sent roses, chocolates and a furry stuffed toy.

 
At 5/07/2005 07:35:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Beautiful story! Great writing!

However, "Remember that feeling?" sounds like a past opportunity.
Somehow, Aunt Doreen and Springfield don't sound like current events in Egypt.

So, what was the outcome?

Shari

 
At 5/07/2005 10:48:00 PM, Anonymous Lurker said...

Shari,

Of course, I should have seen that...

well, it was fun...

 
At 5/08/2005 04:25:00 AM, Blogger The Sandmonkey said...

Sara, Karen, Shari and M

You are correct in your assumption shari about the title, this is about a past relationship, My ex ex- girlfriend to be exact. In case you are wondering, i did tell her, we did cross that line and she is someone that has profoundly affected and changed my life. Unfortunately, life is not a fairytale, and complications as usual arose : jealousy from her side because of my female friends, Unresolved emotional Issues with her ex who just didn't want to go away, the fact that many of her family members objected for racist issues, her totally dependent personalty, the whole foreigner thing and the fact that i had to go away eventually. Just a lot of stress and alot of BS that strained things between us and eventually broke us.

Interestingly, even though we broke up, we have never quite felt it, even when i got into another relationship- after a couple of rebound ones- and when she ended up going back to her ex, whom she knows is bad for her, but is familiar territory. We finally realised that our biggest problem was how much of a dependent personality she is : she is totally terrified of being alone and she won't save herself on her own and i would always come to save her because i cared. This made me realize that as long as i am around, she wil never be an independet person and be able to stand on her own feet, and that perhaps the best thing i should do is just to walk away completly. It's why i had that other private post with the Philp Larkin Poem. That was about her, my goodbye to her so to speak.

But this post wasn't about that. It was about that feeling that you used to get when you were young and all of your emotions felt so alive and intense. That feeling of infatuation that you would feel for that person and that could only be described as an addiction. You know, when you find someone who gives you that feeling that resembles the one you had when you were in Junior-high and you had your first intense crush. That Spark that you get when talking to that person and that makes everyone else around you almost dissappear and fade in the background. When you are really really really interested, and not just because you are lonely, or horny, or you find that person to be cute. You feel as if despite all the walls and defenses you have built to weed out all the unworthy bastards that are surrounding you wherever you go your attention and your heart were taken as hostages , and yet you don't really mind! THAT feeling. I miss having that feeling. Not many people seem to be able to evoke it in me nowadays, u know?

 
At 5/08/2005 06:07:00 AM, Anonymous Highlander said...

SM I have not lost that feeling...does that mean I'm still in Junior high... thanks for a beautiful reply and good luck with your cybervirus!

 
At 5/08/2005 04:49:00 PM, Anonymous Brenda said...

Oh you are still so young, silly man. 23? Life is just beginning. Don't you hate it when older people say things like that?

 
At 5/08/2005 09:38:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for filling us in! I look forward to having that feeling, so far nothing but lukewarm blah---I want my pulse to race a little:)

 
At 5/09/2005 05:17:00 AM, Anonymous Ruth said...

I had that feeling most intense when I was 28. I married the guy but it did not work out, we got divorced.

I had another extremly intense feeling when I held my first child and again when I held the second one.

I would say intensity of feeling is not an age issue.

 
At 5/09/2005 03:32:00 PM, Anonymous Brenda said...

What I meant by he is so young, is that he has plenty of time in his life to experience those feelings, not that he couldn't have already experienced them. I agree that young people can also fall in love. I myself was one of them.

 
At 5/10/2005 02:59:00 AM, Blogger The Sandmonkey said...

Highlander: If you still capable of feeling this way, then you are more luckier then you could possibly imagine.

Karen: did you show that post to your roommate? Is that what prompted the boyfriend's guilt induced shopping spree?

Anon: I know how u feel!

Brenda: First of all, yes i do hate it when older people say things like that. But you already know that..so why did you say it? Tricky tricky!

As for the age thing, please do not let that fool you, I've experienced way too much already. Been in and out of fullscale- and i mean the whole shabang-relationships since i was 12. I may sound arrogant but i have quite possibly dated every kind of women there is. And i guess that's my problem nowadays: I am far too jaded.

But it's not just me it seems, many of my friends are suffering from the same problem, something we call our mid-mid-life crisis. We have been overexposed, oversexed,and are experiencing the symptoms of nihilistic emotional disconnect where we view everything as a cliche and everybody as a copy of a copy of a copy of someone else. It's impossible to find someone who is unique and original, someone you would get excited about dating for more then a month without getting bored. you know?

 
At 5/11/2005 12:51:00 PM, Anonymous Brenda said...

It's not impossible to find someone original. Look here at all the original women blah blahhing on your blog :)

 

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