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Rantings of a Sandmonkey

Be forewarned: The writer of this blog is an extremely cynical, snarky, pro-US, secular, libertarian, disgruntled sandmonkey. If this is your cup of tea, please enjoy your stay here. If not, please sod off

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Hell

*Me and Polly talking about which Hell we are likely to go to* Polly: h Polly: ha Polly: All of them Sam: dude Sam: u will end up in purgatory or something Sam: you are too prissy to go to hell Polly: Yeah Polly: I don't know Sam: i am gonna to slut hell Sam: my biggest vice is lust apparently Polly: hahaha Polly: there are worse Polly: At least there will be other sluts there Sam: yes Sam: slut, lust Sam: same letters Sam: coincidence Sam: me thinks not Sam: but u know something? Sam: hell would be Sam: where all the sluts are around you Sam: and you got an erectile dysfunction Sam: and no Viagra Sam: that's hell Sam: or like for you Polly: oooh Polly: yeah Polly: that's bad Sam: its a room full of gorgoeus men Sam: and they are all gay Sam: and like Sam: u have no hands Sam: so u can't achieve self-relief Sam: ohh Sam: and like Sam: all they do Sam: is play Sade music Polly: gross Polly: I hate sade. Polly: I dont HATE it Polly: but - eww an eternity of it? Sam: yes Sam: an eternity of beings surrounded by gorgeous gay men while being perpetually horny with no hands and Sade's music playing in the background Polly: That is awful. Polly: but only because gay guys are so annoying in large doses. Sam: hot gay guys Sam: just the kind u like Sam: except supergay Polly: Still annoying Sam: hmm Polly: maybe they could at least be funny Polly: throw me a bone! Sam: hell would be a never ending dinner with my mom and dad Polly: OH Polly: yikes. Sam: hell would be forced to watch Ernest movies Polly: Hell is a karaoke bar in Tulsa, OK Polly: where all they have are Reba McEntyre songs Sam: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Sam: I hate Reba Polly: OK this could be a fun post Polly: you should save this IM Polly: convo Sam: lol Sam: i will Polly: Hmmm Polly: Hell is having to sit here and read all this lame shit my ex-boyfriend is Polly: asking me Polly: about his new girlfriend Polly: oh wait - that's happening now... Sam: lol Polly: I love IM Polly: because facetiousness Polly: goes undetected Polly: if you play it right Polly: and you just get to sit back and giggle. Sam: Hell would be having an intellectual discussion with Mariah Carrey Polly: LOL Polly: And dinner with Gene Simmons Sam: yeah Polly: and being taught Algebra by Andy Dick Polly: I am just saying random stuff now Sam: drama class by andy dick Sam: what else is hellish? Polly: hmmm Polly: Well - let me think Polly: My personal idea of hell would be having to be on America's Next Top Model Polly: And being forced to compete for real Polly: and not being able to spoof it. Sam: lol Polly: And Janice Dickinson measuring my fat calipers Sam: Hell would be if you became a supermodel? Sam: hmm Polly: Well no Polly: because I am 5'3 and lardo Polly: compared to the other ho's Polly: and people would just be hating on me the whole time Polly: and not letting me eat carbs Sam: Hell would be if you were stuck with babysitting 5 kids for a week Polly: And I hate having my pic taken Sam: and they all have ADD Polly: And you can't beat them. Polly: JK JK JK Sam: and there is no cable Sam: or Internet Sam: and the house has no foods Sam: except sweets Polly: Or being stuck in an airport bar for eternity Polly: that smells like ciggies Polly: and old people Polly: and lame guys hitting on Sam: hold on Sam: hell would be going to a party Sam: and all of your ex's are there Sam: and they all are with new significant others, while you are there solo Polly: ARG Polly: that would suck Polly: and they all keep rubbing your nose in it Sam: yep Sam: all engaged to be married too Sam: with great jobs Sam: hell is meeting the person you wanna have kids with, and you find out they are infertile Polly: hmmm... Polly: interesting Polly: Hell is being forced to have a baby you don't want Polly: or aren't ready for Sam: hell is where the only place u can shop at is Kmart Sam: hell is where all the weed you want to buy is shwag Sam: and the only alcohol available is moonshine Sam: hell is a country karaoke bar where all the singers are Japanese Polly: oh lord Polly: I had a nightmare the other night Sam: heheh Polly: that Adam went blind and I went deaf Polly: that would be HELL. Sam: hell would be having the most desirable lover and not being able to achieve an orgasm Sam: hell would be stuck in 8th grade, forever Sam: stuck in puberty forever Sam: Hell would be if Adam fell in love with your sister Sam: =-O Polly: GRRRRRRRRRR Sam: seee Sam: hjell would be if adam's new job was with all of your Ex's Sam: and you always had to go to office parties Polly: god Polly: that would blow Sam: hell would be being stuck in an elevator with Paris Hilton Sam: come on Sam: give me some Polly: Hell would be being adopted by a mormon family and having the church elders take a shine to you Polly: And all the old dudes trying to make you their wife Polly: and the younger guys getting thrown out so they won't be competition Sam: hmmm Sam: hell would be being born a girl in to an ultra conservative family saudi arabia Polly: hell would be having to work at supercuts Polly: and cut hair for fat ladies with sideburns Polly: Hell would be having to get a brazilian every day - and then your hair grows back overnight Polly: and you have to start over the next day Sam: hell would be working as a masseuse for really gross fat people Polly: Hell would be working at Walmart in the photography studio Sam: hell would be being whitney Houston;s assistant Sam: or Bobby Brown's lawyer Polly: oooh Polly: or just being Bobbi Christina Sam: horrific Sam: hell would be being Nick lachey Sam: ur wife is hotter then you Sam: she makes all the money Sam: and you are just following her around while she fucks johnny knoxville Sam: ohh Sam: and did i mention she is Jessica Simpson Polly: eeee Sam: so yeah Sam: conversations must be intellectually Sam: hell would be stuck in an S&M dungeon filled with french people Sam: hell would be an Indian nude beach Sam: hmm Sam: good thing i am not god Sam: hell would be an all you can eat buffet of british cuisine Polly: eeew Polly: spotted dick. Polly: and cabbage. Sam: and hages Sam: Hold on... Sam: my friend is dead Sam: ohh lord Polly: What? Sam: gtg Sam: i need to call someone Sam: just found out my good friend died Sam: i am gonna ttyl Sam: ok? Polly: ok


I got one more : Hell is when 5 of the best people you've ever met die over the past 5 years, all young, decent and talented kids, while nothing bad happens to a single jerk, douchebag or asshole you know. Instead, they all seem to continue living and thriving. Sigh...

7 Comments:

At 9/15/2005 02:11:00 PM, Blogger raf* said...

sam-

that's horrible. no words ...

--raf*

 
At 9/15/2005 04:13:00 PM, Blogger christina/ohio said...

Oh man that is terrible. So sorry about your friend(s).

 
At 9/15/2005 04:51:00 PM, Blogger Kat said...

Well, that was just evil. I was really enjoying the conversation until the end. Felt nearly guilty having enjoyed it up to that point.

However, please except my condolences, dear friend. I am very sad to hear that someone so young has died.

 
At 9/15/2005 08:16:00 PM, Blogger Papa Ray said...

Death comes while no one watches. Yet he also comes when everyone is watching.

Death also comes because
The Arabs Don't Understand that the World Has Changed.

It is time to stop watching and start doing.

Papa Ray
West Texas
USA

 
At 9/15/2005 09:43:00 PM, Blogger The Sandmonkey said...

I am sorry Kat. I was thinking about cutting off the ending, but like,I dunno. It's just so typical of my life these days.

However, I am glad you enjoyed it till the end. I need to chnage my blog a lil. It's becoming a downer or something!

 
At 9/15/2005 11:11:00 PM, Blogger Mike SC USA said...

Sam,

I am so sorry that people you have known or do know have died whatever the circumstance. It is a sad tradegy.

But truly trying times are when your spouse or one of your children dies. These are truly "the trying times" and can/will test your faith/character to a breaking point.

I hope you never know such misery. I hope your parents don't either.

Isee only sadness, only sadness--James Blunt

 
At 9/16/2005 08:37:00 AM, Blogger Highlander said...

ان لله وان اليه راجعون .
البركة فيك يا عزيزي

 

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