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Rantings of a Sandmonkey

Be forewarned: The writer of this blog is an extremely cynical, snarky, pro-US, secular, libertarian, disgruntled sandmonkey. If this is your cup of tea, please enjoy your stay here. If not, please sod off

Monday, February 20, 2006

Classic post: The Taxi experience

*Kind of busy today, so I hope this will do till tommorow. Originally posted here* So, you are one of the car-less unfortunate bastards who live in Cairo. Hi, I am one too. Like me you are likely to find the majority of the public-transportation facilities to be, ehh, lacking in them terms of treating its users as fellow human-beings. So you opt for the slightly more appealing experience: Taking a Taxi. But soon after you take one, you will discover to your horror that you just went from the Fire to the frying pan. Too harsh? Stop me when this sounds familiar… First of all, the majority of taxis in Egypt are cars that are at least 15 years old, which means that they were purchased at a time when seatbelts were considered to be a luxury item in your car, you know, along with power-steering, and air-conditioning. If you can get one of them to stop for you and get you where you want to go (most of them won't), you will experience the ride of a lifetime: The seats are uncomfortable, the space is small, prayers and CD’s hanging next to each other from the rearview mirror, the windows have no handles. Ohh, and the decoration, we can’t forget the decoration. Nothing like a blue strobe light on top of your head, alongside the ice-cream truck tune that the driver set up so it starts every time he hits on the breaks to make your ride fun. And the ride is fun, you know, in an adrenaline-rush-oh-my-god-I-am gonna-die kind of way. The driving is – of course- horrible, and the driver will almost always choose the longest, most traffic packed route he could possibly take. It’s as if he wants you to suffer the discomfort of sitting in his car for the longest time possible. But see, he doesn’t stop there. He starts to talk to you about the most useless topics (“The Mossad is financing Ruby. She is part of a Zionist conspiracy to make our youth horny and not pray!”), and you feel rude if you don’t converse back or at least nod your head. And if you just keep your mouth shut, the driver will start to punish you by turning the music/the Koran/the latest Amr Khaled tape louder. And if the Koran is playing you don’t dare to tell him to mute it or lower the volume, even if you have a headache, cause how is it possible that recitation of the Koran by some girly-voiced guy that is magnified and distorted horribly at the same time through the driver’s 1970’s speaker system contribute to your headache? Nonsense. But then the driver will start cursing the other drivers with the filthiest insults, while the Koran is playing, and you wonder why the guy has it on if he has such low respect to it. But alas, you just shake your head and let it slide, hoping the ride to be over soon. And you think when the ride is finally over and you get where you wanted that your troubles are over, but they are not. It’s time to pay him, and there is nothing to end this fun experience like playing Taxi-driver mind-games. They go a little something like this: you will ask him how much he wants (cause the meter is naturally broken) and he will tell you with all sincerity that he will take whatever fare you give him. You will then proceed to give him an amount of money which he will of course deem to be insufficient and ask for at least an extra 5 pounds. And when you ask him why he didn’t just ask for that when you asked him how much the ride was, his response will be "Well, I didn’t want to say it just in case you were going to pay more"! Ohh, so you wanted to rob me? And if robbing is too harsh of a word, well, you wanted to con me? Ok, no problem. But explain to me this you immoral asshole: What the hell is that Koran/ Islamic teaching Tape playing all about then? Do you even listen to it? I am not sure, but I think it's pretty negative on robbing or conning people. I could be wrong, but I doubt it! I hate Taxis in Egypt.


At 2/19/2006 06:46:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

U don't have enough money to buy a car?? Not even a used one??

At 2/19/2006 06:53:00 PM, Blogger The Sandmonkey said...

classic post, remember? This is old!

At 2/19/2006 07:28:00 PM, Anonymous delsio said...

I'm back! How about now? It's better or worse?! Have you experienced any cab ride lately?! You know, although we have a new cab fleet on the streets, ours cab-drivers are as such annoying as yours. Here we have a bunch of them who are evangelicals, recent converted from catholicism, candomblé or whatever and they have chants and praises as well. It's a conspiracy, I realized now!

See ya!

At 2/19/2006 09:13:00 PM, Blogger elengil said...

Actually.. I didn't get the 'classic' as referring to 'old' either..

Maybe add "reposted from x/x/xx"?

At 2/19/2006 09:30:00 PM, Blogger The Sandmonkey said...

Do I really sound like the kind of egomaniacal self-centerd arrogant bastard that would call a post he wrote "classic" if it wasn;t old?

Wait. Don't answer that!


At 2/19/2006 10:00:00 PM, Anonymous vox p said...

To tell you the truth, they sound better than our Lebanese 'taxis'

At 2/19/2006 10:42:00 PM, Anonymous Lehihamra said...

I still count the journey from Cairo airport to the hotel as one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. Driving over 100kmph along a three lane highway that the drivers have decided should be a 5 lane highway was not pleasant, although it still pales in comparison with the terror of taking a taxi in India.

At 2/19/2006 10:42:00 PM, Blogger Egypeter said...

Imagine what they do to "aganag" foreigners. It's ugly.

At 2/19/2006 10:46:00 PM, Blogger Egypeter said...

"aganab" = foreigners

At 2/20/2006 01:02:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi SM,

I like this post very much. I also liked your response to the ''classic'' vs. ''old'' repost.
Egyptian in Germany

At 2/20/2006 05:24:00 AM, Blogger Roba said...

From my experience with cabs in Cairo, dude, you have all my sympathy. The experience was so hilarious that we STILL play games that we created as a pun on these drivers (one being honking the horn repetively after counting to 10. Think-
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 TOOT 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 TOOT 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 TOOT

At 2/20/2006 05:28:00 AM, Anonymous Jokerman said...

That was quite funny, but you are lucky you got only amr khaled tapes, I had to endure a tape by some moron who thought he was Mr.History talking absolute rubbish about WW1 & sykes-picot stuff he heard from lawrence of arabia, recalling the conspiracies of the west & how they waned to stifle the Islamic army of turkey & how they christianised islamic land of lebanon ( never mentioned the maronites inhabited that mountain long before Mohamed came on the scene)!
i mean, im horrified when i know that some people listen to this garbage & believe it....inflammatory & completely false too.
Has anyone heard about that shekh that was yelling about how the body parts beg the tongue every morning to shut up & not say anything lest its sinful & gets them in Hell in the end?? i had a good laugh with a friend when the guy at the climax shouted " al lesan, enahou tho3ban", the mind that thinks of such things is realy twisted.
nevermind sandy, most of those taxi drivers that start a political conversation are working for the government, they are sort of taking unofficial polls, to see what the people in the street are thinking & are also used to spread rumours!
just be quiet & fiddle around as if you are in a hurry, call a friend on the mobile & talk about a fake deal worth hundreds of thousands of pounds at risk because your car broke down,im sure you can make your own interesting story,its fun.

At 2/20/2006 07:02:00 AM, Blogger The Marblehead Ghazy said...

When I got a lot of abuse when I wrote this true story about this taxi driver on my blog.

Last winter, i was in a taxi, and it rained. The driver actually blamed the rain on the Israelis claiming that they make it rain on Egypt using zionist methods whenever they want to.

Nobody believed me. But with the Ruby story you just mentioned (which I also witness in a taxi...) maybe they'll start to believe how ignorant these Egyptian taxi drivers really are.

At 2/20/2006 07:36:00 AM, Blogger Nomad said...

very funny, it reminds me the book of Percy Kemp : the Kitkat muezzin !

At 2/20/2006 07:47:00 AM, Anonymous Angie said...

I believe you Ghazy,

I read a story about the newspapers in Mexico accusing the US of stealing their rain by diverting their hurricanes...whew, it's psychotropic!

And wait until you take a bus in Mexico Sandmonkey...I still suffer from Post Traumatic Stress. And try being a girl as the Mexican workers (whose perpetual horniness boggles the mind) arrange themselves in strategic positions near the women on the bus in hopes of being a landing field for the bodies flying through the air!

At 2/20/2006 10:12:00 AM, Anonymous Jokerman said...

Marbleshithead Ghazy
It seems you have suffered from Egyptians alot, I am glad to see you are eating your hateful soul away, way to go boy, going the same path the palestinians are going. & hey, you can put two sentences together too, good for you!

At 2/20/2006 12:46:00 PM, Blogger The Marblehead Ghazy said...


that comment just proved that you are a worthless stupid cunt. We're on a totally differnet post here, and yet you still feel ashamed of what happened to you in the other post. But it's okay.....I forgive you. You know, I would have expected that from someone who has a whore as a mother.

See ya.

At 2/20/2006 01:56:00 PM, Anonymous Jokerman said...

dont forgive me please, your language proves how a filthy halfwit you are.
you have no brains, no intellect, no thought, maybe no country too & you seem to be complexed from mothers aswell, what a poor sod you are. oh well,my sympathy goes out to your mum, seeing what a useless piece of human excrement she got this world, You came the wrong way i guess!

At 2/20/2006 02:04:00 PM, Anonymous Jokerman said...

hey marbleballs ghazy el shazzy
you still did not say what happened to you in Egypt's taxis? did the driver assault you?? oh dear oh dear, it must have been a horrific experience, i can see where your anger stems from now...but doesnt make perfect sense still Ghassy, you cant simply generalise every taxi driver there, they are mostly the same everywhere, even in NY im sure, & anyway, you share the same IQ with them.
I will try to overlook how you didnt prove anything with your rants, except what a confounded dimwit you are but then, what would the world be without your sort? shush off now

At 2/20/2006 02:26:00 PM, Blogger The Marblehead Ghazy said...

lol, I swear to god I'm glad you wrote those last two comments. At least everyone will know that you sound like a fucking 2 year old.
Re-read what you wrote, and then come back and comment.

Again, I rest my case. Everybody, including Sandmonkey is going to be quite shocked on how a grown man like you could write incoherent baby shit like that..

So I won't swear on anything like that, because when I do, you seem to get pretty mad. Which, like i said before is rather cute.

And it was also very intellectual of you to make fun of my name. That's actually proves how grown up you are. "ghazzy shazzy".

Im serious now, I despise idiots like you. People with no lives whatsoever. Oh and by the way, if you're complaining about my rants against taxi drivers in Egypt, then you are also challenging sandmonkey, but ofcourse because it seems like you kiss his ass, you cant even show him what u really think.

So again, see ya. And trust me, I won't be replying to your idiotic comments again because I SWEAR it's becoming a waste of time. Bring me your older brother to talk to, maybe he'll have more charecter than u. Or maybe that mother of yours I fucked up the ass....she was great at jizz catching.

See ya for the last time, jokerfag.

At 2/20/2006 03:18:00 PM, Blogger Crazy Girl said...

at least your guy in a taxi..Do you know how mortifying it is to be girls in an Egyptian cab with the words koss omak other kind of language being shouted...and forget when they start asking you questions..Taxi's in Egypt are the worst..


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